Five years ago I wrote a post that touched a bit on my 'Daddy Issues'. How my read dad is not in any way a Dad. And how his momentary life choice to disown us five kids remains a sore spot with me no matter how cordial everyone pretends to be with him. Myself included.
Father's day for me is hard. You'd think I would only have the right to say that if I was a father who maybe lost their son. You might think once upon a time my real dad and I were close and then we had a falling out. No. No. And whatever else you might think. Probably also 'No'. I was never Daddy's little girl. In fact I was Daddy's little 'Oh I forgot how strong I am but I was never abusive' girl. I was Daddy's little idiot who couldn't talk or do anything right enough to please him. I was the girl that was supposed to be a boy because he already had a precious little girl the first time. I was the disappointment and I felt that from him at every interaction we had.
You would think, if he was this great person that I looked up to, then yeah... makes sense that I would be as deeply hurt by that as I am. But No. If I ever did I was too young to know any better but I can tell you it didn't last long. I was only around the age of 8 by the time he was no longer a part of my life.
Another part of that post 5 years ago was in regard to how I have a Step Dad and my feelings or indifference to him. And that is really the driving reason for writing this post today.
Five years ago I was in a different place with my affection or lack there of for my new Step Dad. I had said he was a great guy whom I appreciate very much... but there just wasn't a connection there. I'm not the type to be fake when it comes to my affection. I wouldn't say 'I love you' if I didn't mean it. So there were never Happy Father's Day cards full of mushy deep sentiments just because he married my Mom. And it will be a while til there are. But I feel the need to state that I do care for my Step Dad and that he means a lot to me. I'm a hard nut to crack when it comes to giving up my emotions and I say it like it is and can be very real and blunt. I was already an adult when he became my Step Dad so he's never 'fathered' me. Not in the disciplinary sense for sure. To me, that's always what I believed a father is. As well as a guide and compass and confidant. And I've just never needed that in my adulthood after having learned to live with out it all my life. But I've come to learn that it's not about the title he holds or the job he performs. It's just about who he is, what's in his heart. And I have come to learn that it's all good. So I hope he can be patient. He has no kids of his own and I imagine it can be a difficult day for him as well and that the appreciation and affection of the five kids he's taken on as his own, even though a few of us were already adults when he came to the family, is something he would like to feel. I think he has it. I think he's earned it for sure! If for no other reason than for the fact that he has been there for more years than my real Dad ever made it with us. And perhaps more importantly, he WANTS to be there for us. And that goes a long way with me. Happy Father's Day 'Dad'.
