What have you done for me lately?

I'm not going to sit here and try to talk myself up... but let's just say it's important to me to be helpful. Some call it being a kiss ass. But I just like to make peoples' lives easier when I can. No big.

But in order to get my point across about something said to me today, I'll need to give a little bit of back story.

When it gets really busy my manager is pretty good about jumping in and helping. But sometimes it calls for her to make sandwiches. And I know she hates this part - since she does it so rarely it's hard to remember the recipes and you tend to be really slow at it when you don't know it off the top of your head... then you get all flustered as it just gets busier and the line gets longer. So if I've had to step away from the sandwich counter to help at the meat counter for instance, of course I'm going to try to get back to my station as soon as possible. When I do I always offer to take over for her, no matter what stage of the sandwich she is in. And ESPECIALLY when the order is for a certain kind of sandwich that is a p.i.a to make.

She often walks around mumbling about all the work she has to do. Sometimes being very specific about a particular task. I aim to be a problem solver. So I often ask if this or that kind of assistance would be helpful. If she needs to go back to the warehouse for something and I'm not in the middle of something, I'll offer to go. If I need something off the frozen load she just brought up and parked in the freezer unloaded, I might go in there and unload it- since I'm in there removing a box or two anyways.

Etc. Etc. Etc. I'm always right there to help. I do way more than my position describes. I stay as long as she will let me in order to get something done if I am in the middle of it. I'm not the type to stand idle for the last 15 minutes of my shift because I don't have enough time to finish a task I might be able to start. And I don't take one of my 10 minute breaks 15 minutes before my shift ends either. (Yes, I work with people like that!) And I'm ALMOST always available on a day off if she needs me to come in.

Today was a hellish day. We were over in hours so the two ladies we had, besides myself, working the am shift to pump out some catering trays that were piling up were sent home early. Then at about noon my boss noticed that two of those trays were due TODAY and the ladies had not seen them so there were not done at all. She was saying she was going to have to do them herself when she got back from lunch. So I offered to slice the 12 lbs of meat for her while she was at lunch. I had gotten most of it done for her but not all. So in order to make it easy I offered her my back stock of meats that I make subs out of, since it was the same kind, thus her having to cut even less yet. Then she needed cheese. I don't normally slice my own cheese, that's the job of another one of the am ladies. But I had needed it and didn't want to wait for one of them to do it, so I had sliced it myself the day before. I offered this to my boss as well since it was the same kind the trays called for. No big. I'm happy to give it up if she needs it. When she finished taking the amounts of each item that she needed she was saying, 'Here's your meat back'.... 'Here's your cheese back'.  So hopefully you can now imagine my amazement and confusion when she then said to me, 'I'm so good to you!'

And I really don't think it was tongue in cheek because she was 'giving me back' MY meats and cheeses. Maybe. I mean, anything's possible. But sarcasm has never really been her humor style. So it really gave me pause. And I really really really wanted to say, 'YOU are good to ME???' But I figured it wasn't worth it. Let it roll. Whatever she meant is par for the course with her. She's the type to tell you that ,'I've made bonuses twice off of you guys.' Yes, with those exact words. '...off of you guys." And then also be the type to not give us little incentives, buy little Christmas gifts, maybe have a yearly party... etc.

Oh well... C'est la vie.

Red's Inspirations: Just say no to bird poop

You can not prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head. But you can prevent them from making nests in your hair. - Chinese Proverb

My take: I love this quote!  But I think it would be better if it said it like it is though... maybe something more like 'Bird poop happens but hats are generally impenetrable.'

Our attitudes should be just that...'impenetrable'. Or to break it down even more.... 'I'm made of rubber, you're made of glue...' You know the rest.

One man's 'Boring' is another man's bliss

Make new friends, but keep the old. Some are silver and some are gold.

I'm sitting here thinking... thinking... thinking. I've thumbed through all my notebooks that I can find thinking perhaps I will post an old poem. Nope- nothing I feel like sharing.

Think think think.... listen to music... sing along... think think think. Change music. Think some more. Sing along.

I've got it! I just need to turn the music off. Then I will be able to concentrate.

But wait... I love this song. I'll wait til this song is over.
 
Listen to music. Stare at blank screen. Next song comes on. Stare at blank screen some more. Start to think harder about what to write...sing along to music.

An mp3 player set to 'Random' is worse than reality tv... what's coming up next??? Don't turn it off before you see what's next... wouldn't want to miss anything good right? But it's all good.

Then my husband says to me... "What music is that? Is that playing on AOL?'

I say, 'No, it's my Playlist.'

He says, 'Go to BBC Imusic (or something along those lines) They have 80's, World... you name it. All kinds of stuff. You will find something new.'

I say, "But dear... I don't want anything 'new'. I like what's on my play list. That is why it is on my playlist.'

He says, 'Don't you like to listen to new stuff?'

"No."

'No?'

'No."

"You don't like to just listen to learn about new music you might like?'

I say, 'I'm not adverse to new music, but when I like something... I kind of want to hear it. I search out an artist or a song that I like and read all the lyrics on the albums, listen to clips, etc. I have plenty 'new' exposure. I watch videos. I exchange CD's with friends... but I like what I like and don't see the need to waste very much of my time LOOKING for what I MIGHT like. Simple.'

Seems pretty logical to me. But apparently I'm a bit simplistic for his sophisticated music repertoire.

Am I wrong for only wanting to spend my music listening time on the good stuff? If I had all the time in the world, sure I could easily waste a few hours following links on Youtube or browsing for new stuff, but I prefer to use my time on what I know I'll enjoy. How do you feel about the exploration of music vs. the old faithful, memorable and sentimental favorites?

It's all part of the reason why he hates taking me to Subway. I order a tuna sandwich every time. And I savor how wonderful it is, every time. We go to a restaurant- I order a Patty Melt.  He says I'm boring, but at least I always enjoy my dinner. The same can't always be said for him. We order Pizza- he gets all kinds of toppings trying to build up on the flavors and get the most out of it.  I order a very basic type-  no Sausage, no Salami, no Pineapple, no Tomato, no Green Pepper. You know... just ground beef, maybe pepperoni,  onion, olive, mushroom, maybe Jalapeño. There are just certain flavors that are work well together... it doesn't mean you can't like all that other stuff, but you ruin it by over doing it. My pizza toppings choices are pretty much the same every time, and it seems to be EVERYONE elses' favorite everytime too and seems to disappear first. Where as, he is the only one who eats his- and he always partakes of mine as well and enjoys it very much. I always enjoy mine.  Now I ask you... who is smarter?

  Which makes most sense? New and unusual- but also unproven; or -  faithful standby that always gives enjoyment?

I've Learned...

I'm at an age where I hope by now I've learned a few things and am reflecting on their importance.  I actually think I've learned more than what I sought to learn in the first place. And though I've learned a lot, there is still much to know. One thing more recently...I've learned not to judge.

I've learned that when you don't know someone very well... you probably don't know them AT ALL.

Take for instance any musical superstar. You see them and they have presence, style, poise, grace and confidence. You sing their lyrics and secretly wish you could don their 'look'. Everything they do is golden.

And then the reality hits and the paparazzi have made millions off their 'stars-with-no-make-up' and or 'who's-cellulite-is-this-on-the-beach' snapshots at 96% zoom.

If this changes your opinion of a superstar... then
A: you're pretty shallow
B: just wait until you find out that it took an entire entourage of professionals just to ensure you would have these wonderful opinions in the first place. From personal stylists, to entire professional hair and make up crews, to writers and lyricists; the end result is an illusion worthy of Houdini.

Sometimes it's our own eagerness to believe so completely in what is presented to us. We project onto them a greatness born only of our own imagination.

Take for instance a talented young songstress by the name of Jessica Andrews. Quite a while back on her debut album she sang an all-American-girl kind of song called 'Who I am'. A song about a girl who is unique with quirks and imperfections, and the love her friends and family have for her regardless. One particular line of the song says, '... I am Rosemary's Granddaughter, spitting image of my father...'. Jessica Andrews found herself explaining in many interviews that, no, her Grandmother's name is not Rosemary. It's just a song! Many people felt duped at this revelation.

It was just a song, people. A series of words and phrases cleverly and poetically put to music. Although she did personally pen many of the lyrics on the album... you can not judge a singer by their hit single alone. And that is pretty much the whole point, isn't it? How many times have you been surprised to find out an interesting tidbit of music trivia that turned what you always thought you knew about someone on it's nose? With the proliferation of the internet, we often know way more than we want about famous people. An image of perfection is shattered everyday.

And then there are images that belie the perfection within. Case in point: I've become a big fan of the musical artist Pink. She's been around for a while, but I always ignored the rebellious pink haired newcomer. It wasn't until recently that one particularly catchy song peaked my interest in the rest of her music. When I dug a little deeper I felt I'd found a gold mine. I've since watched her life history play out on biography shows. I've found that she is about as real as any person can get. I truly get this sense. Everything she puts out there, from her pink hair to her music... that's who she is. Nothing about her feels like a gimmick when you see the whole picture. And in the end I found myself in awe of her talents. Her voice is a multifaceted jewel. Her abilities span a wide variety of styles and she is more than exceptional at them all. But you wouldn't know it if you didn't see beyond the rough and rebellious image.

I used to get wrapped up in political judgments against entertainers. 'How can they believe such a thing?! Well! I won't be listening to their music anymore!' But the reality is, I laughed at their comedy before I knew their political stance. I sang along with their tunes before I knew they were non believers. Nothing about what they put out for our entertainment changes in quality or concept. Singing along doesn't pay them royalties. I judge not the person, nor the product they produce. Granted, I may not choose to SUPPORT them by purchasing their product.  I mean... I do have SOME scruples. But to support a small business selling it second hand... sure. And I certainly don't feel guilty to be enjoying it as it is played on the radio.  I can often just listen to a song or two I like online with out paying for any of it and you certainly don't have to pay for an entire album. Regardless of how you do it, you can't really deny that the product is just that... a product. And is as enjoyable still as it was before. No matter what bad things you want to say about the artist or performer, you are still gonna be bopping your little head around when that catchy joy filled tune fills the air and don't bother kicking yourself and feeling 2 inches high when that opposite-winged comedian says something that makes you giggle.

On a personal note, I'm sure I have been judged with all kinds of misinterpretations. For instance, a quick glance at my Facebook page and you will see a myriad of comments and posts by my most active 'friends'... who also happen to be of the 'mystical' mind set. Universal love and something called 'starseeds' abound. Honestly, I know nothing of this realm and it's not 'me' at all. But we all come together in support of each other as positive thinking people. Having been part of a now defunct ezine called Angels Weekly brings me in contact with an untold number of self affirming, open minded, and giving individuals whose only desire is to share their world... and talk to angels or something.  I can't slight anyone for that. We all just have to realize that the most striking mosaics are made up of contrasting and unexpected pieces.

I myself have always been anti labels. But sometimes when people insist on categorizing me... as lets say- a short tempered redhead... I go ahead and give them what they want. I remind them that not only am I a redhead, but I am a woman AND a Scorpio. I think this is supposed to make them shake in their boots or something. But their illusion of impending doom is really not necessary. There are deeper truths than those of the surface.

I, in fact, have a slow burning temper. Sometimes surprisingly, not one at all. I'm more tom-boy than 'woman'. And I don't prescribe to the myth and magic of horoscopes any more than for what they offer in entertainment. And like other forms of entertainment and entertainers, I don't hold their various wrongs against their product.

There is so much to know about people that it's a rarity to really know all there is to know. To assume that you do... well- we all know how that story ends.

Introducing... my kitty flock.

I recently visited someone's blog strictly on the open invitation to come take a look at their cat picture they posted. And I thought to myself... 'You know... I should really do a post that includes pictures of all our cats and then when I mention them later, there will be a pic to reference." I figure, they are a pretty big part of our lives so why not dedicate a post just to them?

And here's how the story goes...

Husband and wife spend all their lives with dogs. Husband and wife move into apartment...no more dogs.
( Cats ok!)  Husband keeps bringing home people's unwanted cats... cats pee in corners and run away. Wife says NO MORE CATS.
Husband finds fluffy little cream puff scared out of it's wits in the mens restroom at Burger King. Husband sneaks irresistible cream puff out of restaurant in jacket, feeds hamburger to cream puff and brings home. Cream puff is an itty bitty ball of adorable. Wife gives in. ( Poor cream puff wants his mommy so bad he looses his voice mewing constantly for her.)

1 yr later daughter is born... cat thinks baby is noisy intruder that smells weird... she makes him nervous. Not to mention the ultimate slap in the face: getting kicked out of the new and really awesome cat bed that Mom and Dad call a 'bassinet', only to discover that said noisy stinky creature gets to sleep in it! Cat tude in high gear for pretty much ever now. Daughter grows up a little, senses cat tude... wants her own cat to love and be loved by... unlike Mr. Aloof  With An Attitude. Officially known as 'BK'.

Mom and Dad look at little curly headed ball of irresistible adorableness known as their daughter and say 'Yes, you can have that female kitten.' Daughter names kitten 'Nine tails' after favorite Pokemon character.

Female kitten grows up so fast, becomes boy crazy. Mom and Dad? = Clueless to how girl cats can be. Girl cat becomes woman cat... then momma cat. Momma cat has 5 babies. 4 black, 1 white. 1: Snowbell- cuz she was white and we had just watched Stuart Little 2: Cutie Kitty- because we couldn't ever think of anything else and her temporary name was all she ever got but is absolutely perfect for her 3: Tomalina- because Dad wanted to name a girl cat 'Tom' (following in the long tradition of obvious and opposite names... ie a cat named mouse, a dog named deogie, etc.) so my daughter and I compromised on Tomalina- Tom for short 4: Foxy- because the temporary name of 'Alien guy' just wasn't cutting it and she had huge ears like a fox, was very dainty and had a curly stubby tail 5: Bob-a  fat black little thing with bob tail.

Momma cat - still nursing- gets bored... boy crazy again.  Eventually white kitten finds home, black kittens... not so much. Bob passes away... apparently from eating litter from its' training litter box. Momma didn't seem to feed them very well. Could have something to do with being so young and or being pregnant! And then more black kittens.

Meanwhile,the empty house next door is being remodeled. When foundation people remove porches in order to add foundation, two blue eyed creamy manx kitties were found. Foundation workers ask us to love and protect these babies if possible. How can you say 'No'? The momma cat was half feral but would come in to nurse the two and leave until next feeding.'Grrr' found a home, Zim was at home.

Ninetails delivers her second litter... 6 this time. 1: Tuffy - a massive fluffy Tuxedo boy. 2: Holly Bush -it was partially a political thing and partially because Santa's Little Helper was already taken by the dog on Simpsons. Holly was the only girl and a twin to Tuffy... except very thin and dainty. 3: Bimmer - cuz Dad dreams of having a BMW someday 4: Mag - A tuxedo twin to Bimmer  5: Winky - pure black, slim, curly stub tail, and we had recently watched that Disney series Return to Magic Mountain. Winky was identical to his half sister from the first litter, Foxy. Winky didn't like being compared all the time and ran away. Actually, they all used to follow kids down to the corner when they walked by after school. I like to think one of them stole him and he now happily dwells with one of them. 6: Knuckles- cuz my daughter was also a Sonic The Hedgehog fan, and he just had that cool cat large and in charge attitude.

Then there was the orphan, the unnamed,  very beaten up, half alive kitten that showed up on our porch one day. We don't know if a person, knowing we had other kittens, put it there or if Grr and Zim's momma brought it to us- it kind of looked like hers. Dad got some kitten formula and tried to bottle feed it... but it refused. So he then put it in with Nine Tails second litter and hoped she would adopt it. But it seemed her kittens had other ideas as they turned cannibalistic on it. Pretty crazy huh? In my heart of hearts I believe it was because of the kitten formula that they could smell all over it. I refuse to believe they disliked the new guy so much that they wanted to attempt to eat it's face off. Hubby rushed it to the emergency vet, but let them know, 'hey- this ain't my cat but it needs medical attention'. They swiped it away and refused to let him know anything about it there after since he wasn't paying it's surgery bill.

A couple years later Bimmer and Mag were both hit by cars. A few years after that Nine Tails took ill and died. A while after that we almost lost Cutie Kitty to the same symptoms so we reacted faster and took her in. She had a rare illness that required surgery. We tried antibiotics and 3 days of overnight vet care, but eventually surgery had to be performed. $800 bill later she is the sweetest most affectionate most loving cat ever today. Then Tom started showing the same symptoms and knowing it required the same surgery as a spay we just had her spayed and she was fine. A year or so later Foxy passed. She was always the skinny little runt with the runny nose and chronic diarrhea . We had taken her in and they tested everything but found her to be in great health... with only an allergy to fleas and an unspecified food allergy. And then only months later... for whatever reason...she went quick. But I like to think she is more at peace over the rainbow bridge than she ever was here on earth with all her issues.

Holly got lucky and had just had a recent vet visit, including a spay and deworming, when a co-worker wanted a young cat for her son. So now today... we 'ONLY' have 6 cats. Cutie Kitty, Tomalina, Tuffy, Zim, Knuckles and our 14 yr old 'old man',  BK. We  never were cat people. But we did love having pets so at the times in our lives when we lived in apartments and could only have cats, cats it was. But 'A' cat. One of the first houses we lived in we had 3 cats and a dog. But that was the most ever. And I still don't call myself  'a cat person'. But each one of them has grown on me in a different way and I do love the little buggers. Granted, if one day my daughter said she didn't want them anymore and it was ok if we found them homes else where, I'd be all over that! At least for 4 or five of them. :-) And then I would get the biggest dog I could. Is that terrible of me?

Knuckles poses like no other cat ever.

He seems half the size of her. Maybe it's all that BBQ?

Tom... practicing her DJ moves.

Grumpy Old Man... BK

Ol' Blue Eyes.... Zim. My Zimmie boy!

Zim flicks and twirls his 'tail' like he thinks he has one. Cutest thing ever.

Cutie Kitty being... Cute.

Tuffy being... Lazy.

Falling for Fall

Oh how I love love love this time of year. I feel so deeply connected to it I wonder if it's normal. I know there are many who say they adore it as well. But I just wonder if they feel it in their bones and cellular structure like me. I wonder what it is about it that I feel so in tune with, and why when, symbolically it's only leading up to the season of death and results in leafless trees, no flowers, no sunshine, and constant cold feet... why do I think it's such a great thing?

I do know that as much as I hate the cold, and consider it one of the must uncomfortable things to experience, I really hate being in oppressive heat even more. Most people see summer as a time to get out of the house and be active. But there is nothing that will turn me into a slug more than a day over 80 degrees.

Wait, I lied. A cold house will do that just as well. But I actually enjoy the remedies available to warm up...Hot Chocolate, Russian Tea, flavored coffee, soups, stews and roasts, warm sweaters, fuzzy socks, and fireplaces, cozy blankets and a warm heart lying next to you. These things are part of a perfect world.

Granted, 4am mornings from October to March pretty much suck. Maybe I am just too cheap to keep the house at a constant cozy 75 degrees. Maybe I just need to be rich. Then I could afford $300 a month heating bills in the cool months and $300 cooling bills in the hot ones. Better yet, if I was rich... I wouldn't have to drag my goose pimply butt out of bed and around the cold house at 4 am at all. Problem solved.

But alas, my prospects are dim and the current lottery odds are.... let's just say, 'not in my favor'.

So instead, put on those flannel pj pants, your lover's favorite old sweatshirt that's now yours, grab a cup of Russian Tea and a couch blankie and revel in the perfectness of the moment at hand.

What is Russian Tea you say? Oh my, you are missing out! It's like hot apple cider but with orange instead of apple and tea instead of cider and all the clove, cinnamon and nutmeg you could want on a perfect autumn day. Yes, it leaves an interesting plethora of spices at the bottom of your cup, but oh how delicious and warming it is going down! Try it.

You'll love it. :-)


Russian Tea:

1 jar of Tang instant orange drink ( 1 lb 2 oz is the size I have found and use)
1 package Wylers instant Lemonade mix, * Koolaid brand packets work as well, but Wylers seems to have the best flavor punch - if you can find it.
1 cup instant Tea- * in a pinch Lemon flavored tea will help to replace the lemon drink mix if unavailable... cuz sometimes you just got to have some Russian Tea and can't make it to the store.
*1/2 - 2/3 cup sugar - * this was originally part of this recipe but I actually omit it. There is plenty of sugar in the Tang already to make this a sweet enough drink.
2 tsp. Cinnamon
1 tsp. Ground Cloves
1 tsp. Nutmeg
Use 2 to 3 ( I use 3 heaping in a good sized cup- add more or less to taste and strength preference)
Add to boiling water

***Probably the most important part of these instructions is that you either use a gallon size zipper bag to mix and store OR dedicate a Tupperware or glass jar to only belong to your Russian Tea mix. The spices will tend to linger in anything you use.

Now...sip or slurp to your cozy little hearts content!

9/11.... I was there.

Every year around this time, its common to see the question asked, 'Where were you on Sept. 11?

Where was I?

I was there.

You don't get that answer very often do you?

Ok, I wasn't any where near the Twin Towers or even in New York at all. But I was in Washington D.C.

Why?

Why- when you know why and all the logic is there, do we still react in the ways that we do?

Why- when you have first hand knowledge of how it feels to be in a situation do we put our self or others in said situation?

Why- don't we have the means to rise above our human natures when we are very well aware of our own very human natures and what it is that makes us how we are and why we react the way we do?

Why are we weak to the things that bring us turmoil when we know it isn't necessary to feel that way and that it's just a matter of understanding needed.

But- we understand. We do. We've been there. Of course we understand. Of course I understand. I don't know much of anything right now, but I understand that I just need to understand.

Why is it not through understanding, that we learn from our mistakes?

Why does the propensity to make mistakes and or create MISunderstandings still exist and live it's self out groundhog's day style?

Why can't we succeed after all the lessons are taught and learned?

Why does the knowledge lie there as useless as a limp noodle?

It can not even lure the bluebird of happiness to us with out our own intervention of shaking and jostling.

Any why then, in an effort to do so, do we shake up and jostle our fragile worlds into vague memories of happiness caught in a net?

Why so many holes?

Why so much space between?

And why is there no light coming through all those holes and spaces?

Since when does the blue bird of happiness fly in the dark?

And since when do we not even know what anything means anymore?

Random thought processes are so weird!

I've been going over this blog trying to revamp it and in the process came across the Fatherless Father's Day post. I skimmed it like all the other posts and moved on. Emotionless. No altered states. Meaningless.

Why all of the sudden, as I sit here slightly bored but with lots to do.... do I have the inkling to go take a look at my real father's face book page. It's been a while. There never was much to it, but I don't know- I guess I thought there might be something new and meaningless there for me to see.

So I go...type in his name that I used to share,  and there it is. There he is. Looking back at me. Same pic as always. Not much new and very little activity on his wall. He's updated some of his personal info to show that he is self employed in the business of new aftermarket repair parts for vintage motorcycles.

Well, he's still doing that at least. Good for him. He stuck with something. I actually would really like to see it work out for him. Seems maybe it has. That's all good and well.

And then I find myself looking at his picture. Looking... staring. Trying to see... I don't know what. I just find myself looking at him for a really long time. Locking eyes as though he were that big scary dad and I the inadequate little kid that could never get anything right. Challenging his picture to make me feel any kind of emotion at all.

And it doesn't. Nothing.

And I don't know how I feel about that. Every cell in my body knows that's not NORMAL. What's missing in me... for the result of good or bad, that makes me lack some kind of reaction?

And what exactly was I looking for, anyway? I mean, why do I care if apparently I don't really care?

Oh my head.....

...has been SO neglected.

Ok, admittedly, given up on. I suppose you could say life got in the way. And I wanted it to. There were things in my life that weren't in my life enough and I made an executive decision to trade the time I spent blogging on here with that which I wanted more time with in my life. So why am I here now, you ask?

Oy, the obsession of trying to make a relationship the center of your universe is... NOT GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP! You can take my word for it. I've been there. And now, I'm here. Once again. In my red head.

Update: The other side of the tracks pt 2

If you recall the sketchy coworker who had asked for my phone number ( to which I gave none) ... as it turns out- I'm SO happy that I didn't!

One night the assistant manager was 'working' (ahem) at the managers desk. I myself was toiling away at my own nightly tasks when I hear Jane say to the assistant...'Oh hey, while you are back there will you give me Sue's phone number out of the book?' Assistant asked, 'Why?' Jane said, 'Because I was supposed to call her tonight.' Assistant says, 'Ok.'

I leaned back so I could see the assistant and I said to her...'I wouldn't'. She looked at me, puzzled, and said, 'Why?'. I said, 'I wouldn't be very happy at all if someone gave out my number.'

A few days later I was working with Sue and I told her that Jane was asking management to retrieve your number for her. Sue said, 'Why?' I told her that Jane said she was SUPPOSED to call you, like you were expecting it so it was OK. Sue said 'Oh hell no! Do you know I gave that girl a ride home once, to be nice, and she ended up asking me for a ride out of town, said she had to pick something up in Glennville.. at midnight!'

I instantly felt justification for all the times I jes looked at her when she gave a sob story about how she didn't know how she was going to get home after work. I've been sooo close to offering... it just never worked out that we left at the same time on a night that she was needing a ride. So I never had to and thank goodness! I'm so glad I didn't even say 'I would BUT...'. Thankfully I've never felt quite gracious enough and I don't feel bad about it now.

Nor do I feel bad for being a bit judgmental about whether or not she's the kind of person I want to have my phone number as I did in my previous post about her asking for it. I just hope I can keep up the rouse that I have forgotten to do so. It's OK to chose your friends. And no one else needs my phone number.

Red remembers...

I think it's time that I got back to my original reason for developing this blog, which was sharing my crazy past.

Yep. It's been an emotional roller coaster.

Though my childhood was that indeed, what I refer to as such is my PRESENT. And i've expressed it plenty on here. But now that roller coaster is stable, content and ready to go back to the beginning.

I've often heard people say they can remember being 2yrs old or even younger. This is amazing to me. And when thinking how people are able to do this I am always prompted to really try to remember my own very first memory.

It's very silly and goes something like this...

My older sister and I were playing in my Dad's old car that was parked in the yard. We each had a little black poodle dog of our own and each were named after us. We had our dogs inside this old car with us because we had previously learned how fun it was to watch them eat the dead flies out of the back window. Who knew?

Nothing very striking here. Why that stuck in my memory banks ever since, I have no idea. It could be the harsh conditions we lived under were such a contrast to this 'fun event' that my sister and I were able to experience, that it created an endorphin laced memory glue.

I feel like I should warn you before I go any farther, many of my memories are out of chronological order. My mother often has to correct me when I speak of this event being tied to that event, this funny thing happening in my room at that house... and so on. But unless you are a family member with a better memory than I (that means you Mom) , it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things here. So, I shall carry on as they come....

I also remember a dark and very cold house with wood floors and the very minimal of furniture. I remember our Chiuaua dog (who absolutely hated me) dragging her butt across the hardwoods floors and leaving a diarrhea trail, and always being afraid of stepping in a land mine in the constant darkness. I remember sleeping at the top of a bunk bed that was in the dinning room for some reason. My sister slept on the bottom and would kick at my mattress from underneath because I would grind my teeth in my sleep. I never got a good nights sleep for all the kicking and freezing. (But then I guess, neither did she for all the grinding!)

I related this memory to my Mom. As it turns out, the bunk was in the dinning room because it was closest to the living room where my parents slept. They slept there because it was where my Dad had the heater... a very dangerous home made oil drip version. He would collect used oil from gas stations. They'd give it to him for free because they didn't want to pay to dispose of it.

My memory is of a darkened house because we did not have electricity. (thus the home made drip oil heater) My dad always refused to work for someone else and would spend many days and weeks away from home chasing repair jobs here and there. We were able to live in the house at all because the owners had made a deal with my dad that he would fix up the property and work for them doing whatever it was they asked of him. But his constant chase for greener grass prevented that from really ever happening. This was the case with many of our homes and the reason for the sheer number of them.

Aside from being barely 20 and two kids under 5, my mom was not able to work because this particular house was a number of miles out in the country and that car parked in the yard was non operable. That was how my dad wanted it. She would not have been allowed to drive even if that car did work. She was where he wanted her and that's how he kept her.

At least until she was sick and ended up in the hospital for a  little over a week and came home to the knowledge that he had only fed us canned chicken noodle soup the entire time. My sister said to her... 'Oh Mommy! I'm so glad you're home. I'm sooo hungry! Please make something that's not chicken noodle soup Mommy, pleeeeasse??'

Something about that pathetic plea from her oldest child made a metal rod grow down her spine and she walked all those miles with us in tow,  into the nearest town; leaving my dad. With two young kids and nothing to her possession, she did what she had to do. She went to battered women's services and told them that he beat her and she was afraid for her children and needed to go back home to her parents. They bought her a bus ticket and she was out of that situation for the time being. But it never failed to follow that he would make promises of 'doing the right thing' and wanting to do right by his family and thus successfully wooing back a young single mother with two children whom everyone would only keep telling, 'You guys need to work it out for the sake of the children.' Again and again. 

For A Change...

Your life is so far away- your love I can not touch. Every day is a waiting game and I miss you so much.

My life should be yours, and yours should be mine. But alone with out you I live, just passing time.

Sometimes living for the future means throwing out the present. It's the lonliest of days... days like today that I begin the descent.

Deep inside where logic presides, innocence is dead and cynicism resides.

It tells me to live for today and not to be so foolish as to toss it away.

But i'm just waiting for you and some crazy chance. I'm waiting for you to come lead the dance.

I'm waiting for life to do what it does best... to bring me the future and to change all the rest.

Because change is the only thing that will bring you to me. Change is the only thing that will allow us to be.

So I'm waiting for you... waiting for a change. Hoping the situation will soon rearrange.

Waiting for time to help love earn it's due.

Waiting for a change....waiting for you.
Red 08-26-08

Where do I start? The short version of the mess in Red's head...

Sometimes I can not think of a single point of conversation to type about.
I read other blogs, I join discussion groups, and I browse. But since my favored way of writing is on lined paper, the words and ideas sometimes flow easier if I get up out of my computer chair, get comfy on the couch and set pen to real paper.

Sometimes, even that does not help. But sometimes... I realize how much there really IS to share. And the question is not 'what?' so much as 'where to start?'

Here's just a taste of what's in my chaotic mind as of late...



Do I start with the possibility of my husbands job coming to an end due to the worlds nastiest divorce? From day to day we never know if the owner is going to try to keep the business running or if hubby will have a place to work the next day. It sure makes my husband's job of keeping the business running... difficult to say the least. Did I mention we rent a house that the boss owns? Or is it his wife? Who will own it when the divorce terms are known? Will it be either one of them? And of course, dear hubby is loyal to a fault and will move where ever the boss says he will start up a new business. It's hard being married to a contractor as it is. It's either feast or famine and you never really do know the feeling of security.

I went to the Dr. for a check up a few weeks ago for the first time in many... many years. I walked in the door with nothing wrong. I walked out the door with a prescription for one thing and a need for an x ray for another thing. They have yet to call and tell me when to come in for the special procedure, or what to do now.

My new job has made it possible for me to also go to the dentist for the first time in many... many years. And I DO need to make an apt....
Next subject.

Speaking of my job... did I mention it's... not always fun?
I generally have duck feathers on my back when it comes to people acting superior or stupid or whatever... it just rolls off. I don't let people walk all over me, but I know how to get along with people when I need to. But some people have no concept of taking the high road and it can at times get pretty catty. C'mon people! Put your big kid panties on and deal with it. If you don't like something someone is doing, have an adult conversation with them or the the manager if you feel you can't speak directly to them. Otherwise- ignore it. Period. Just ignore it.

My real Dad has given up the hopes of getting rich off his porn site. No one would pay $5 per whatever. So now he wants to get a mold made for some kind of rare part for some kind of rare vehicle. Whatever.

And the list gets more and more trivial. But it's still long and I could choose to vent about a million and one things. I wanted to start blogging to help myself learn how to sort and organize thoughts. I wanted ideas to flow and I wanted to share freely. The free flowing thing is a sticking point with me. It's weird how the more that's going on the tighter I pull in on the reigns and clam up even tighter. Sometimes it's hard to see the point. And I don't mean just here in a blog- it could be that just talking to someone whom you know cares and really wants you to share with them can be SO difficult the more stuff piles up.

My biggest personal problem right now is that the person I want to vent to can only read this, and not hear it directly from me. And I don't like to spend the time sharing all this woes me crap, when I could be catching up otherwise. It's negative. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing to an extent to have SO many 'issues' in your life... and I'd just rather not spend what little time we have force feeding it. If my dear friend were closer and in my life everyday, they couldn't help but be privy to the basics and have a better understanding that it's not something I can really control and it would be OK to talk about it more freely. But I refuse to wallow so I do it here into empty space, when I'm the most bored of all.

And, yeah... I actually feel a little better!

My Favorite Place

Hold me and just don't ever let me go. Hold me in the silent darkness and let the love flow.

Hold me against you and melt the world away. Hold me against you - there will be nothing left to say.

Take me into your arms, draw me in ever so near. Take me into your arms, whisper everything you feel into my ear.

I will hold you and just never let you go. In the silent darkness our love will flow.

I'll hold you against me and let the world melt away. I'll hold you against me and there will be nothing left to say.

Let me fall against your chest... draw me in and do what you like to do best.

My mind's eye can so vividly see how good it feels when you are holding me.

Lately our lives have been troubled... but in each other's arms the peace is doubled.

Baby won't you promise that soon we'll be face to face?

Darling don't you know in your arms is my favorite place?

Yeah baby, I know you know- your arms are my favorite place.

Red 08-25-08

Red on 'Clarity'...

To The One I Love...

I have been blessed enough in life to experience a few rare moments of such awesome clarity. While I still have quite the muddy water on the brain, sometimes it's as if a drop of Joy Dish Soap has been dispensed into the deepest part of the ocean that is my very center. I can't say whether it is the time passed that helped me realize my most recent epiphany, or if it's sheer intervention from a greater power. I certainly can't say it's been the hours of in depth pondering, as I have not allowed myself too much time to assess current water conditions. It seems I have a teeny little fear of drowning in said oceans of the brain and these days find that avoidance is a safer place. But alas... I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it IS another train. But it's a train that runs on tracks of intent and design. It is the train that rocked us gently as it brought us over so many hills and safely through so many valleys, carried us across bridges and canyons as far and wide as one can imagine, in so many ways. For so many years and our darkest days.

So as I stood over the sandwich I was making, and I heard the song 'Heaven' come over the radio... I stopped in my oneway hellbound tracks and I listened.

'Oh, thinking about our younger years. There was only you and me, we were young and wild and free. Now nothing can take you away from me. We've been down that road before, but that's over now. You keep me coming back for more. Baby you're all that I want when I'm lying here in your arms. I'm finding it hard to beleive - we're in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart...'

And heaven on earth it was because the clouds parted and everything was shiny and bright in that instant. And I knew... I knew that not only did I WANT to pursue happiness, but I knew it was simply a matter of choosing to do so, and that right there and then I'd decided... I'd let go and given up so many layers of coccoon that I had begun to weave around myself out of sheer habit. And in that moment of beautiful clarity I knew that I did not want to go back to being the person I was before your love touched my life and awoke me from the inside out.

If things don't go the way we planned them, it won't be because of ego, or stubborness, or because I gave up and retreated behind the walls I knew so well for so long before I knew you.

Since you, my life has been full of the greatest joy I've yet known. Not because it makes me so happy everytime you unknowingly prove your love. Not because i'm giddy from the thin air around the pedastal you put me on. But because the sum of what we are together is powerfully positive. And you... just you... make me happy like that. And I now realize that the only reason to revert to my 'safe' and 'comfortable' habits, is because of the same fear that almost kept me from ever letting you love me in the first place. I literally, didn't want to LET you love me. But I gave in then and I give in now. And despite the hills and canyons, we've seen some vistas and sunsets unlike anything we'll ever see alone. And I want to share more of them with you.

Not only am I opening my doors, but i'm getting off this runaway train and I'm hoping onto the one that lets us share the journey together. I wish for no walls to protect me and I do not require safety gear. I'm not going to stand still and watch the train go by - then strain to see where it has gone. Let the road rise up to meet us and what will be will be... we'll face it together.

And while I can not promise anything more than my commitment to the choice to hang onto the person you've helped me be, I hope you know it's a completely different perspective when I sit next to you on the ride. I know that, & I welcome that. And I choose to no longer be afraid that such a beautiful sunset can bust open my overflowing heart. Let the scenery roll by. With you, I am happier than my tears, and stronger than my fears. We won't exactly roll down hill from here and we'll weather many a storm before the clouds stay away for good. I just need you to know that I'm on board.

I Am

I am the smile that was born in dreams of 'I Do'.

I am the joy that runs through my every cell since knowing you.

I am the wisdom of a lifetime lived that has come to know true joy.

I am the lass who dreams of the ladd, the girl who loves the boy.

I am the Winter that wraps around autumn's fall.

I am the hesitant spring, the sultry summer... I have been it all.

I am not the same person that I was so very long ago.

I am not the jaded stone you used to know.

I am not the death that had become my shell.

I am happy, I am in love, and I want to live to tell.

I am not sorrow, nor pitty, nor pain.

I am not going to be found counting tears in the rain.

I am not meek, nor desperate, nor weak.

I am the answer that I know you seek.

I am recovering and beginning to heal.

I am what you helped me become- the me that is real.

I am better than I've ever been.

I am choosing to open back up inside and i'm ready to begin.

I am not peices of the me I was, since having found our love.

I am not a ghost outside and above.

I am here.

I am present.

I am choosing not to begrudge or resent.

I am the love that you gave me.

I am the open door through which you bade me.

I am vulnerable, but I am strong.

I am wanting to want Us.

And I know, for this I am not wrong.

Red 08-09-08

Red on "The other side of the tracks"...

A newly hired co-worker recently told me about why her four kids are living in another city with her sister in-law. A very hard night of partying, drugs, a spiteful husband, and drug testing were all involved in that ultimate but temporary situation. This is the same person who was proud enough of her battle wounds to tell every one of us about them. Then of course we ask how did that happen. Apparently she got into a fight with a guy who was trying to stop her from stopping her husband commit suicide. I could only wonder why and how on earth any one would live in this kind of life?
I tell her my theory about people who say they want to and are going to commit suicide within earshot of others. Call me cold hearted, but sometimes it’s just a bunch of drama whores looking for attention and playing their cards. ( according to her specific situation of saying she has threatened divorce so many times and they fight all the time and yet still together—so please don’t barrage my comment box with hateful stuff about how I don’t take it seriously) Personally, I think if someone wants to do that, they are going to do it eventually and you can’t be there to baby sit them all the time just because they threaten to do it. People who REALLY want to do it won’t tell anyone, as this would usually tend to prevent them from the freedom to do it. I didn’t get to finish though because she went down the ‘Oh yeah? Well then what do I tell my 4 kids when they say ‘where’s Dad?’ What do I tell his parents when they say ‘Where’s my Son?’ What do I tell….’ etc etc etc.
Sounds like Martyr Syndrome to me.
Had I been able to finish I might have proved my point with a bit more logic and less chill. I wanted to ask her if she called 911. If someone is seriously wanting to kill themselves you call 911 and you get them help. Period. You don’t just go to bed that night and say ‘Don’t ever do that again you stupid ass.’ You get him professional help. And that’s the end of that. No more whiney drama.
So this among other comments and attitudes all equal up to an impression of someone I do not want to know very well. Someone I would not admit to knowing very well if I did. And tonight she asked me for my phone #. Not too keen on this request, so I said ‘ok’ but stayed busy and hoped it would be forgotten about… but also wondering why the heck would she ask for that? Luckily, I still don’t know and don’t really care if it means getting out of it.
And I know I sound like a snob, but I think I probably have more right to be than most because it’s in this kind of lifestyle that I spent most of my life, all the way up to the time of my young marriage. I know it well. I know the magnetism of troubled lives. And how they all seem to gather together and create their own little dramatic world where everybody has a sob story. They feed off of each other, they tangle their lives up with each others and they raise more children to do the same. There are no boundaries… and there is no reasoning or imploring them to seek a better life.. And I honestly don’t know why my life took me in a completely different , much straighter direction. Two men before my husband had asked me to marry them. One I knew was at the very least, an ex druggie, the other a definite pothead. But I still don't think that 'I' would have ended up JUST like them. Deeply entrenched in that world though, absolutely. It’s so odd to think how one choice made, one action not taken, one supposed luck of the draw, could have set my life on an entirely different course.
I know we all have a purpose in this life and I know that some of those purposes might seem so very mundane and minor. We aren’t all meant to speak to the masses and rejuvenate souls and give people purpose… we might just be other people’s stepping stones to a slightly better life. Perhaps the single small domino that sets in motion a much larger chain of events. But by the time they have all fallen and made their intricate pattern come to life… that first domino is long forgotten.
So then I have to wonder… if I have the chance to be some kind of positive influence, shouldn’t I let her in? Am I the Martyr now? It’s a hard position to take…. I know what kind of life she leads. I know I don’t want ‘those kind of people’ (druggies, unemployed moochers, womanizing low lifes and women with such low self esteem they don’t think they deserve any better) in my nice safe almost middle class life. But the high road is also where we are encouraged to reach out and support those who need it. The Christian in me says I should not judge her and make my self available to her.
It could be that she just wants to call me when she is ready to pay me back my five bucks… but somehow I highly doubt it.

On being 'Numb'...

The drama queen that I am most-definitely-not, always kind of flinched at the concept when someone said they were ‘numb’.
Not that I don’t believe it’s possible to be so, but really? Numb? Totally and completely with out feeling? It seems like such an extreme and likely final state that the avoiderererr and denierererr in me would rather ‘peeshaw’ at then acknowledge the possibility of. Doesn’t sound like anywhere a strong person would end up. Doesn’t sound like anything ANY person would allow to happen to their lives. I certainly wouldn’t give it the power of accepting it’s reality in my life.
Buuatt… I can understand the instinct to shut off the channel through which we receive the things we aren’t equipped to handle. I can understand how a certain specific kind of pain can become exempt from all receptors.
I can say that I’ve experienced one kind of pain more times than one person would be unfortunate to even KNOW about in their lifetime. But I’m not numb.

Notice how I said ‘...more times’?

You might call it desensitized. You might call it self preservation. You might call it denial. You might even call it psychological. I'd just like to call it wisdom. But it’s really not so deep or soul changing as all that. It’s just having been there enough times to know that’s not where I want to be. Still... no where near 'Numb'.

Sounds a lot like denial, but I fully acknowledge that life as I know it has yet again changed. And that love as I knew it, may never be the same. THAT concept… absolutely digs in at me. But I do not dwell on concepts and maybes.
To be numb and not feel life’s pains and hurts is to not feel life’s joys and pleasures either.
My life goes on. I have smiled from ear to ear and I have even laughed. It surprises me sometimes to realize how 'ok' I am, when something reminds me that one would think that I should not be so happy go lucky right now. The loss of explanation at why I’m not a total torn up wreck is a fact that on one hand I am proud of, and on the other– admittedly worrisome over.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be in denial and make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to be cold and hardened. I don’t want to stop loving the way I do.
Though I’ve changed and grown a great deal over the years, I didn’t always accept the possibility of being hurt. I didn’t always give my heart with abandon.
So it seems I’ve come full circle. The love and tenderness that has taken me from where I started, to where I’ve been is the same love that drops me back off here today, contemplating ’Numb.’
Back where I started isn’t such a terrible place to be I guess. And now I know I am capable of forgiveness and probably even some day again, capable of trust.
And I don't feel that I am angry or bitter about any of it. That love will always be my secret treasure. Always.
Perhaps there is some truth to the theory that fresh wounds can be too raw to touch. But aside from the rush of blood to my head and chest, and the anxiety of lost breath that happens about 6 or 7 times a day… I’m still here and participating in life. I don’t think about it all day long until the not being numb part kicks me in the gut and causes me to lose air- litterally. I work. I opperate. I function. No one really knows the possibility of the pain that is out there for me, the sadness that I refuse to let rise. Even though, out of the blue I can't breath. I take a breath. And I go on. No tears unless you count the ones behind my eyes. Three days ago even the hurting-est of a favorite heart wrenching love song was more than tolerable. Today… perhaps I’m beginning to heal. I’m definitely NOT numb. I am more scared to not be than I am of being...but I’m pretty sure I definitely don’t have to worry about becoming numb.
I know I have to look forward only from here on. And everything in the future will be different than the past. That is a given for life in general. So I won’t say it bids foreboding on the love that remains.
I can only say for sure that I will continue to live, no one needs to worry about me.
And I am not gone. I will be here. And that’s all I know.

NO WORDS
You and I– we breathe from the same heartbeat. We see from behind the same eyes.
We even tell ourselves the same lies.
We think each other’s thoughts and pass back and forth the same burrs. Sometimes there really is no need for words.
That quiet comfort, I could lay in it forever. Our love is so good and pure. Our love is so right.
And sometimes love is blinded by it’s very own light.
It is indescribable—the intimacy that we share. No examples or exaggerations can be used to compare.
Just no words to allude or infer that forever is truly ours.
But then we find ourselves in the here and now– the lonely emptiness which is all that distance will allow.
We find ourselves on our own and left to our own devices. We are often tempted and thus give into to our silly vices.
Reason and logic have escaped our actions. Selfish indulgence fills our satisfactions.
This twisted reality spins and blurs. It takes our breath away and leaves us with no words.
When something is so good, so near perfection… how can there be such rejection?
How can I explain the path that this has taken? How do you explain anything when your senses are shaken? How do you know if you really know anything at all… when you can’t even explain how such a grand love can take such a wasteful fall, and how a love of the ages– now burns in it’s pages.
How do you chase away the clouds when you can only sit and seethe.
How do you share what is in your heart– when you can barely breathe.
How do I tell you what I plan to do and how...If I even knew these things myself, I would surely tell you now.
But I can not even begin to convey the storm within… just as I can not control what occurs...
Because you are right…there really are no words. Red 07-20-08

THE ONLY THING….
Ever since the day we met– I knew I’d never known anyone like you yet.
The days turned into years and you slowly began to quiet my fears. You made me truly believe.
You kissed my soul and all my love and passion you did receive.
Each and every day I lived for us– with the kind of faith and commitment that can only come with trust.
It wasn’t always easy, nor often very hard, even though my shell was tough and my heart was deeply scarred.
You soothed me with your patience and promised me the rest of time. You said that time with me was nothing short of sublime.
Each compliment and promise came out pure and strong. You made it hard for me to doubt where I belong.
Your words were golden, all your gifts true blue. I could never have imagined a day where you didn’t think of me too.
You gave me everything– but the only thing I ever wanted was you.
To know your pain and to stand with you in your rain. To give you my shoulder or to stand beside you to help you feel bolder. To give you my strength and my comfort forever. But you came to me… never.
If you don’t need me, we should let it be. If you don’t want my friendship you can not use my love. It’s about where and if we stand together when push comes to shove.
It’s not the actions that have hurt me so… it’s the arms length to which you make me go.
The knowledge of your lie, is not the reason why…. It’s not the final straw. But if you refuse to need me, this is the line I draw.
It’s hurts me more than any burden I could ever have to hold… so much more than a lie or truth untold…
To know that you don’t think of me when you have a need…. To know that you would make the cut, and leave yourself to bleed. With out letting me know you bought the knife. With out letting me even try to save your life. You would take a stumble off the most wretched cliff and not take my hand when I offer you a lift.
It’s not easy to admit when you need, but a friend who loves you as I do should be entitled to the greed, of being there for you and of being the one…who removes your hand from the loaded gun.
But I’ll never be able to do this, and save you from these metaphors, if you can’t let every part of my love for you through your secret doors.
It hurts so much to not be that special to you, to not be good enough for your trials and tribulations… that you can not share with me your life and all it’s revelations.
If you fear my judgment– then I have no defense, and I can understand your stance... But knowing my love for you is as strong as it is, you should have given it the chance.
But I know now, that I’m not worthy. I know now that I’m not so special as I once thought. And I no longer know for what I have fought.
You can find love in many an arm. You can become beguiled by many a charm. There are all different levels and kinds of bliss and affection that one can share.
But there usually aren’t very many people in one’s life who can truly say they will always… always and forever -be there.
I told you this in every way I could. I asked you to believe in me and I so hoped you would.
But you turned away from my friendship and shunned my faith in you. I guess you didn’t know this was the only thing I couldn’t let you do.
Red 07-19-08

Waxing poetic

A LOVER'S FRIENDSHIP

For everything that you have given me, for the most joyous of joys I’ve ever known…
How can I thank you for all the love you have shown?
How can I tell you with words so tattered and torn…
How can I utter the sound when the recording is ragged and worn?
For I’ve said it so very many times, how much I love you so.
I’ve said it in a million ways just because it’s so important that you know.
Still you resist the ultimate connection, you deny yourself a friend’s affection.
But love is not just a beaming reflection, stronger than normal feelings, or even a hearts resurrection. Love is the essence of life, the open arms of a friend. Love is unconditional to the very end.
Angry when hurt, disapproving and curt… yes even love can get carried away. It can think it knows better and threaten to walk out and stay.
But you can only know what’s real, and only know what’s true, if you let love be there like the friend who will always want to.
You may not like what it has to say, when it says it and in what way. But the friendship that comes of love, is still there for you every single lonely rainy day.
Love is not just passion, lust or desire. Love lives by friendships undying fire.
Come to my hearth and let me hold you. Let the arms of friendship unfold for you. Take me at my word, so many times told to you….
Share with me your friendship that I so deeply desire. Let me be a friend so our love can fly higher. Red 07-18-08

I THINK ABOUT YOU.

I think about you and wait to see if I’m still mad. I think about us and wait to see if I begin to feel sad.
I think about the pain that I never wanted. I think about the joy you brought me and how now, it will surely be stunted.
I think about ‘if you could only see me now!’, but it hurts me to hurt you and that I can’t allow.
I think about what we’ll miss and I think about how we both can kiss, and kiss…. and kiss.
I think I’m going to be ok and I think my expectations have all fallen away. I think I know I don’t know you after all and I think how you
refuse to know me… I think I can live with what ever will be…. will be.
I think I feel strong and I think I’m being smart.
But I think I’m just numb in the heart.
Red 07-18-08