Sunday, June 16, 2013

Fatherless Fathers Day pt 2

Five years ago I wrote a post that touched a bit on my 'Daddy Issues'. How my read dad is not in any way a Dad. And how his momentary life choice to disown us five kids remains a sore spot with me no matter how cordial everyone pretends to be with him. Myself included.
Father's day for me is hard. You'd think I would only have the right to say that if I was a father who maybe lost their son. You might think once upon a time my real dad and I were close and then we had a falling out. No. No. And whatever else you might think. Probably also 'No'. I was never Daddy's little girl. In fact I was Daddy's little 'Oh I forgot how strong I am but I was never abusive' girl. I was Daddy's little idiot who couldn't talk or do anything right enough to please him. I was the girl that was supposed to be a boy because he already had a precious little girl the first time. I was the disappointment and I felt that from him at every interaction we had.
You would think, if he was this great person that I looked up to, then yeah... makes sense that I would be as deeply hurt by that as I am. But No. If I ever did I was too young to know any better but I can tell you it didn't last long. I was only around the age of 8 by the time he was no longer a part of my life.
Another part of that post 5 years ago was in regard to how I have a Step Dad and my feelings or indifference to him. And that is really the driving reason for writing this post today.
Five years ago I was in a different place with my affection or lack there of for my new Step Dad. I had said he was a great guy whom I appreciate very much... but there just wasn't a connection there. I'm not the type to be fake when it comes to my affection. I wouldn't say 'I love you' if I didn't mean it. So there were never Happy Father's Day cards full of mushy deep sentiments just because he married my Mom. And it will be a while til there are. But I feel the need to state that I do care for my Step Dad and that he means a lot to me. I'm a hard nut to crack when it comes to giving up my emotions and I say it like it is and can be very real and blunt. I was already an adult when he became my Step Dad so he's never 'fathered' me. Not in the disciplinary sense for sure. To me, that's always what I believed a father is. As well as a guide and compass and confidant. And I've just never needed that in my adulthood after having learned to  live with out it all my life. But I've come to learn that it's not about the title he holds or the job he performs. It's just about who he is, what's in his heart. And I have come to learn that it's all good. So I hope he can be patient. He has no kids of his own and I imagine it can be a difficult day for him as well and that the appreciation and affection of the five kids he's taken on as his own, even though a few of us were already adults when he came to the family, is something he would like to feel. I think he has it. I think he's earned it for sure! If for no other reason than for the fact that he has been there for more years than my real Dad ever made it with us. And perhaps more importantly, he WANTS to be there for us. And that goes a long way with me. Happy Father's Day 'Dad'.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Not so spring chickenish

I'm no spring chicken, nor am I afraid of or a stranger to hard work. And yet today my double shift has me feeling like I should retire before I'm asked to do that again! I am compelled to come here and publicly ponder... am I being a wimp? Is it just me and my not so spring chickenly ways?
In my defense, let me explain how my day(s) developed. You see, normally I work at 6am. Except for an occasional Thursday in which I work at midnight til 6am.  This was the case yesterday. So I try to get some kind of rest in the evening before I work for the night. But it's incredibly difficult to get any sleep during the day when the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I was able to get just short of 3 hours of sleep. This morning after work I went to bed at 7am. At 9: 30 I get woken up to a phone call from my boss. 'I hate to ask you but could you come in today at 1?" So I tried to get a bit more sleep and woke at 10:30. Once at work I ended up staying an extra 45 minutes. Both times I walked to work and walked home. On the way home I carried home a gallon of lemonade, a jar of mayo, 2 qts of cooking oil, a 6 pack of 16 oz bottles of soda and two bouquets of crazily dyed daisies. Perhaps I bit off more than I could chew. ( on a hot day after a long day to boot) Yes, I do believe I'm whining. I'm just not ready to feel... not so spring chickenish.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I love The Rain

I sense a change in the light and feel the clouds close in tight.

I keep my head up and my eyes on the sky... a moment of calm evokes a heavy sigh.

A gentle mist floats across the field... flowers open up to say 'ahh': dryness healed.

I do not run for cover and I do not complain.

I love the rain.

The darkness that settles upon the sky is no concern of mine, it was already only grey and nothing much to be excited about anyway.

And now the strength of everything natural and true, is taking a test that's long over due.

Fragile lilies so dainty in their stance take a bit of a beating and regret their hasty choices perchance.

That place in the sun is the same as the one... that exposes every petal which tomorrow's storm will have undone.

My pace does not quicken and for me, never could be deemed too slow. Let the rain come down and the drops upon me flow.

Umbrella over head or better yet down at my side... no reason at all to run and hide.

With a little bit of shower I shall not melt nor freeze nor catch the death of me in it's innocent kill.

I love the rain, and I always will.

I know how to undress me and once again become warm and dry... I know how long to linger and when to tell the clouds goodbye.

I have plenty back up in my cold weather closet.

I love the rain so much I  sometimes wish I knew how to cause it.

But alas, all that I can do is soak it up whenever I can. Be present in it's beauty and admit I'm quite a fan.

I love the rain --- and I love it even more when you are in it there with me.  Because even through the falling rain it's your appreciative, protective, and ultimately, understanding gaze I see. 

With you I like to share the thrill of a cold wet chill. I love the rain and I love you. I know I always will
The only shelter I desire is your hand covering mine. Forever and for always will do just fine.