For A Change...

Your life is so far away- your love I can not touch. Every day is a waiting game and I miss you so much.

My life should be yours, and yours should be mine. But alone with out you I live, just passing time.

Sometimes living for the future means throwing out the present. It's the lonliest of days... days like today that I begin the descent.

Deep inside where logic presides, innocence is dead and cynicism resides.

It tells me to live for today and not to be so foolish as to toss it away.

But i'm just waiting for you and some crazy chance. I'm waiting for you to come lead the dance.

I'm waiting for life to do what it does best... to bring me the future and to change all the rest.

Because change is the only thing that will bring you to me. Change is the only thing that will allow us to be.

So I'm waiting for you... waiting for a change. Hoping the situation will soon rearrange.

Waiting for time to help love earn it's due.

Waiting for a change....waiting for you.
Red 08-26-08

Where do I start? The short version of the mess in Red's head...

Sometimes I can not think of a single point of conversation to type about.
I read other blogs, I join discussion groups, and I browse. But since my favored way of writing is on lined paper, the words and ideas sometimes flow easier if I get up out of my computer chair, get comfy on the couch and set pen to real paper.

Sometimes, even that does not help. But sometimes... I realize how much there really IS to share. And the question is not 'what?' so much as 'where to start?'

Here's just a taste of what's in my chaotic mind as of late...



Do I start with the possibility of my husbands job coming to an end due to the worlds nastiest divorce? From day to day we never know if the owner is going to try to keep the business running or if hubby will have a place to work the next day. It sure makes my husband's job of keeping the business running... difficult to say the least. Did I mention we rent a house that the boss owns? Or is it his wife? Who will own it when the divorce terms are known? Will it be either one of them? And of course, dear hubby is loyal to a fault and will move where ever the boss says he will start up a new business. It's hard being married to a contractor as it is. It's either feast or famine and you never really do know the feeling of security.

I went to the Dr. for a check up a few weeks ago for the first time in many... many years. I walked in the door with nothing wrong. I walked out the door with a prescription for one thing and a need for an x ray for another thing. They have yet to call and tell me when to come in for the special procedure, or what to do now.

My new job has made it possible for me to also go to the dentist for the first time in many... many years. And I DO need to make an apt....
Next subject.

Speaking of my job... did I mention it's... not always fun?
I generally have duck feathers on my back when it comes to people acting superior or stupid or whatever... it just rolls off. I don't let people walk all over me, but I know how to get along with people when I need to. But some people have no concept of taking the high road and it can at times get pretty catty. C'mon people! Put your big kid panties on and deal with it. If you don't like something someone is doing, have an adult conversation with them or the the manager if you feel you can't speak directly to them. Otherwise- ignore it. Period. Just ignore it.

My real Dad has given up the hopes of getting rich off his porn site. No one would pay $5 per whatever. So now he wants to get a mold made for some kind of rare part for some kind of rare vehicle. Whatever.

And the list gets more and more trivial. But it's still long and I could choose to vent about a million and one things. I wanted to start blogging to help myself learn how to sort and organize thoughts. I wanted ideas to flow and I wanted to share freely. The free flowing thing is a sticking point with me. It's weird how the more that's going on the tighter I pull in on the reigns and clam up even tighter. Sometimes it's hard to see the point. And I don't mean just here in a blog- it could be that just talking to someone whom you know cares and really wants you to share with them can be SO difficult the more stuff piles up.

My biggest personal problem right now is that the person I want to vent to can only read this, and not hear it directly from me. And I don't like to spend the time sharing all this woes me crap, when I could be catching up otherwise. It's negative. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing to an extent to have SO many 'issues' in your life... and I'd just rather not spend what little time we have force feeding it. If my dear friend were closer and in my life everyday, they couldn't help but be privy to the basics and have a better understanding that it's not something I can really control and it would be OK to talk about it more freely. But I refuse to wallow so I do it here into empty space, when I'm the most bored of all.

And, yeah... I actually feel a little better!

My Favorite Place

Hold me and just don't ever let me go. Hold me in the silent darkness and let the love flow.

Hold me against you and melt the world away. Hold me against you - there will be nothing left to say.

Take me into your arms, draw me in ever so near. Take me into your arms, whisper everything you feel into my ear.

I will hold you and just never let you go. In the silent darkness our love will flow.

I'll hold you against me and let the world melt away. I'll hold you against me and there will be nothing left to say.

Let me fall against your chest... draw me in and do what you like to do best.

My mind's eye can so vividly see how good it feels when you are holding me.

Lately our lives have been troubled... but in each other's arms the peace is doubled.

Baby won't you promise that soon we'll be face to face?

Darling don't you know in your arms is my favorite place?

Yeah baby, I know you know- your arms are my favorite place.

Red 08-25-08

Red on 'Clarity'...

To The One I Love...

I have been blessed enough in life to experience a few rare moments of such awesome clarity. While I still have quite the muddy water on the brain, sometimes it's as if a drop of Joy Dish Soap has been dispensed into the deepest part of the ocean that is my very center. I can't say whether it is the time passed that helped me realize my most recent epiphany, or if it's sheer intervention from a greater power. I certainly can't say it's been the hours of in depth pondering, as I have not allowed myself too much time to assess current water conditions. It seems I have a teeny little fear of drowning in said oceans of the brain and these days find that avoidance is a safer place. But alas... I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it IS another train. But it's a train that runs on tracks of intent and design. It is the train that rocked us gently as it brought us over so many hills and safely through so many valleys, carried us across bridges and canyons as far and wide as one can imagine, in so many ways. For so many years and our darkest days.

So as I stood over the sandwich I was making, and I heard the song 'Heaven' come over the radio... I stopped in my oneway hellbound tracks and I listened.

'Oh, thinking about our younger years. There was only you and me, we were young and wild and free. Now nothing can take you away from me. We've been down that road before, but that's over now. You keep me coming back for more. Baby you're all that I want when I'm lying here in your arms. I'm finding it hard to beleive - we're in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart...'

And heaven on earth it was because the clouds parted and everything was shiny and bright in that instant. And I knew... I knew that not only did I WANT to pursue happiness, but I knew it was simply a matter of choosing to do so, and that right there and then I'd decided... I'd let go and given up so many layers of coccoon that I had begun to weave around myself out of sheer habit. And in that moment of beautiful clarity I knew that I did not want to go back to being the person I was before your love touched my life and awoke me from the inside out.

If things don't go the way we planned them, it won't be because of ego, or stubborness, or because I gave up and retreated behind the walls I knew so well for so long before I knew you.

Since you, my life has been full of the greatest joy I've yet known. Not because it makes me so happy everytime you unknowingly prove your love. Not because i'm giddy from the thin air around the pedastal you put me on. But because the sum of what we are together is powerfully positive. And you... just you... make me happy like that. And I now realize that the only reason to revert to my 'safe' and 'comfortable' habits, is because of the same fear that almost kept me from ever letting you love me in the first place. I literally, didn't want to LET you love me. But I gave in then and I give in now. And despite the hills and canyons, we've seen some vistas and sunsets unlike anything we'll ever see alone. And I want to share more of them with you.

Not only am I opening my doors, but i'm getting off this runaway train and I'm hoping onto the one that lets us share the journey together. I wish for no walls to protect me and I do not require safety gear. I'm not going to stand still and watch the train go by - then strain to see where it has gone. Let the road rise up to meet us and what will be will be... we'll face it together.

And while I can not promise anything more than my commitment to the choice to hang onto the person you've helped me be, I hope you know it's a completely different perspective when I sit next to you on the ride. I know that, & I welcome that. And I choose to no longer be afraid that such a beautiful sunset can bust open my overflowing heart. Let the scenery roll by. With you, I am happier than my tears, and stronger than my fears. We won't exactly roll down hill from here and we'll weather many a storm before the clouds stay away for good. I just need you to know that I'm on board.

I Am

I am the smile that was born in dreams of 'I Do'.

I am the joy that runs through my every cell since knowing you.

I am the wisdom of a lifetime lived that has come to know true joy.

I am the lass who dreams of the ladd, the girl who loves the boy.

I am the Winter that wraps around autumn's fall.

I am the hesitant spring, the sultry summer... I have been it all.

I am not the same person that I was so very long ago.

I am not the jaded stone you used to know.

I am not the death that had become my shell.

I am happy, I am in love, and I want to live to tell.

I am not sorrow, nor pitty, nor pain.

I am not going to be found counting tears in the rain.

I am not meek, nor desperate, nor weak.

I am the answer that I know you seek.

I am recovering and beginning to heal.

I am what you helped me become- the me that is real.

I am better than I've ever been.

I am choosing to open back up inside and i'm ready to begin.

I am not peices of the me I was, since having found our love.

I am not a ghost outside and above.

I am here.

I am present.

I am choosing not to begrudge or resent.

I am the love that you gave me.

I am the open door through which you bade me.

I am vulnerable, but I am strong.

I am wanting to want Us.

And I know, for this I am not wrong.

Red 08-09-08