Why?

Why- when you know why and all the logic is there, do we still react in the ways that we do?

Why- when you have first hand knowledge of how it feels to be in a situation do we put our self or others in said situation?

Why- don't we have the means to rise above our human natures when we are very well aware of our own very human natures and what it is that makes us how we are and why we react the way we do?

Why are we weak to the things that bring us turmoil when we know it isn't necessary to feel that way and that it's just a matter of understanding needed.

But- we understand. We do. We've been there. Of course we understand. Of course I understand. I don't know much of anything right now, but I understand that I just need to understand.

Why is it not through understanding, that we learn from our mistakes?

Why does the propensity to make mistakes and or create MISunderstandings still exist and live it's self out groundhog's day style?

Why can't we succeed after all the lessons are taught and learned?

Why does the knowledge lie there as useless as a limp noodle?

It can not even lure the bluebird of happiness to us with out our own intervention of shaking and jostling.

Any why then, in an effort to do so, do we shake up and jostle our fragile worlds into vague memories of happiness caught in a net?

Why so many holes?

Why so much space between?

And why is there no light coming through all those holes and spaces?

Since when does the blue bird of happiness fly in the dark?

And since when do we not even know what anything means anymore?

Random thought processes are so weird!

I've been going over this blog trying to revamp it and in the process came across the Fatherless Father's Day post. I skimmed it like all the other posts and moved on. Emotionless. No altered states. Meaningless.

Why all of the sudden, as I sit here slightly bored but with lots to do.... do I have the inkling to go take a look at my real father's face book page. It's been a while. There never was much to it, but I don't know- I guess I thought there might be something new and meaningless there for me to see.

So I go...type in his name that I used to share,  and there it is. There he is. Looking back at me. Same pic as always. Not much new and very little activity on his wall. He's updated some of his personal info to show that he is self employed in the business of new aftermarket repair parts for vintage motorcycles.

Well, he's still doing that at least. Good for him. He stuck with something. I actually would really like to see it work out for him. Seems maybe it has. That's all good and well.

And then I find myself looking at his picture. Looking... staring. Trying to see... I don't know what. I just find myself looking at him for a really long time. Locking eyes as though he were that big scary dad and I the inadequate little kid that could never get anything right. Challenging his picture to make me feel any kind of emotion at all.

And it doesn't. Nothing.

And I don't know how I feel about that. Every cell in my body knows that's not NORMAL. What's missing in me... for the result of good or bad, that makes me lack some kind of reaction?

And what exactly was I looking for, anyway? I mean, why do I care if apparently I don't really care?