Fatherless Father's Day

Father's Day is approaching and I once again find myself absorbed in the quest to find the perfect gift for my husband - who is for some reason the only father I think about this time of year.

Well, ok, 'For SOME reason' isn't exactly a true statement. I know the reason. I just find it strange how I spend weeks researching and delved into this quest for my daughters father, but completely forget to even think about how I don't plan on getting anything for my real father; and then there's my Mother's new husband. Yes, he's been around for about 20 yrs. Nineteen of which I was not living at home anymore. Mom says we are in his will... as though we were his own, therefor we should 'make him feel good' and send mushy untrue cards about how great of a 'Dad' he is. I have nothing against the guy. But he has NEVER... EVER... EVER played the role of father figure to me. He just never had the opportunity. I was simply too old already when their relationship was new. I hate sending fake sentiments. I appreciate him putting up with my Mom... but he's not my Dad. He's a great guy. But he's not my Dad.

I don't have a Dad. My real father has done many things that would cause a person to disown him. But it wasn't the abuses or the ruined lives he created that causes me to forget about him on Father's Day. It was his own disowning of us. Five kids- whom he no longer wanted to claim. His reason? Telling a new woman about us would mean having to explain his divorce and what he did to us. There was no argument... no deep seated hurt feelings on his side... just pure unadulterated selfishness. So that any of his girlfriends would not know the way he treats women and children. He now is trying to start up a porn site and seems to have no shame... but God forbid anyone know about his past life.

Have you ever wished you could slap a big red non removeable label on someone to warn others?

He still keeps in touch with my Mom, and though he's never retracted his claim to not claim us, or made personal apologies, he asks her about us and seems to act as though he never said it. She says he only said those things out of anger because one of my brothers made a reference to a then girlfriend of my real father's, regarding some details he hadn't told her, causing her to leave. But I don't care what his reasons were. It was said. More importantly, it was felt. You do not say such things with out really deeply feeling it and meaning it. Even if it was only at the time... I don't want a father who's EVER felt that for his children. Period.

The limbo that this creates- his comment, his supposed change of heart, Mom sticking up for him about it, still talking to him, him not appologising or retracting... life seeming to go on... it's the most senseless thing to me and I want no part of it. Obviously we weren't close before hand. And now, why do I care even as much as I do enough so that it still bother's me that he could want to disown us and pretend we don't exist. As though you can just wipe the slate clean and remove 5 offspring from your existence. I can't really pinpoint what bothers me most about it. Maybe it's that I can't find enough hatred and anger in me to hate him and make it all that much easier to deal with. But I don't love him either. I guess i'm not really a gray area kind of person, and yet I doubt I will ever know what it feels like to hate anyone... that's just not who I am. It isn't in me. So he skates by in life and we all just have to learn to accept things as they are. No reprocussions. No lessons learned. And this is why it's easiest for me to just conveniently 'forget' that he ever held the title 'Dad'. I can't even say 'Well i'm not getting ANYTHING for HIM!' It just doesn't even enter my mind enough to pretend to hate him. Numb is a strange way to feel, but I have to admit, it works on rare occasions.