Father's Day is approaching and I once again find myself absorbed in the quest to find the perfect gift for my husband - who is for some reason the only father I think about this time of year.
Well, ok, 'For SOME reason' isn't exactly a true statement. I know the reason. I just find it strange how I spend weeks researching and delved into this quest for my daughters father, but completely forget to even think about how I don't plan on getting anything for my real father; and then there's my Mother's new husband. Yes, he's been around for about 20 yrs. Nineteen of which I was not living at home anymore. Mom says we are in his will... as though we were his own, therefor we should 'make him feel good' and send mushy untrue cards about how great of a 'Dad' he is. I have nothing against the guy. But he has NEVER... EVER... EVER played the role of father figure to me. He just never had the opportunity. I was simply too old already when their relationship was new. I hate sending fake sentiments. I appreciate him putting up with my Mom... but he's not my Dad. He's a great guy. But he's not my Dad.
I don't have a Dad. My real father has done many things that would cause a person to disown him. But it wasn't the abuses or the ruined lives he created that causes me to forget about him on Father's Day. It was his own disowning of us. Five kids- whom he no longer wanted to claim. His reason? Telling a new woman about us would mean having to explain his divorce and what he did to us. There was no argument... no deep seated hurt feelings on his side... just pure unadulterated selfishness. So that any of his girlfriends would not know the way he treats women and children. He now is trying to start up a porn site and seems to have no shame... but God forbid anyone know about his past life.
Have you ever wished you could slap a big red non removeable label on someone to warn others?
He still keeps in touch with my Mom, and though he's never retracted his claim to not claim us, or made personal apologies, he asks her about us and seems to act as though he never said it. She says he only said those things out of anger because one of my brothers made a reference to a then girlfriend of my real father's, regarding some details he hadn't told her, causing her to leave. But I don't care what his reasons were. It was said. More importantly, it was felt. You do not say such things with out really deeply feeling it and meaning it. Even if it was only at the time... I don't want a father who's EVER felt that for his children. Period.
The limbo that this creates- his comment, his supposed change of heart, Mom sticking up for him about it, still talking to him, him not appologising or retracting... life seeming to go on... it's the most senseless thing to me and I want no part of it. Obviously we weren't close before hand. And now, why do I care even as much as I do enough so that it still bother's me that he could want to disown us and pretend we don't exist. As though you can just wipe the slate clean and remove 5 offspring from your existence. I can't really pinpoint what bothers me most about it. Maybe it's that I can't find enough hatred and anger in me to hate him and make it all that much easier to deal with. But I don't love him either. I guess i'm not really a gray area kind of person, and yet I doubt I will ever know what it feels like to hate anyone... that's just not who I am. It isn't in me. So he skates by in life and we all just have to learn to accept things as they are. No reprocussions. No lessons learned. And this is why it's easiest for me to just conveniently 'forget' that he ever held the title 'Dad'. I can't even say 'Well i'm not getting ANYTHING for HIM!' It just doesn't even enter my mind enough to pretend to hate him. Numb is a strange way to feel, but I have to admit, it works on rare occasions.
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
The musical side of Red
I am a music lover! I think it's very sad that there are those who actually don't have any kind of music collection in their home, no favorite artists or types of music, or even turn on their car radio. I've had so much fun loading my playlist in the last few days that it's pretty loaded. So- I thought I would take a break and maybe help you all sort out what's there... and why.
I'm the sort who listens to music for these reasons, in this order:
1: The sound/flow/beat/goosebump factor of it
2: How well I relate to the lyrics
3: My fickle mood
Ninety Nine percent of what's on my list is there for very personal reasons, the 'I can relate! ones. Usually because I do - however unfortunate that is, lol. But then there are those which I can only relate to on certain levels... because half way into it, a phrase is sung that just changes the entire meaning. Very annoying. But still either close enough, or just lovely sentiments. Then there are the 'Get up and wiggle it cuz you just don't give a damn' songs. I'm still not sure if the 'Making whoopie' songs are a category unto themselves or if they are part of the 'Wiggle it' one. They usually tend to be. And lastly there are those 'Angry Songs'. This category is hard to say when I like to listen to it, because I'm normally a positive person. But sometimes you can only remain positive by having an outlet. And this category fills that need very well. I'm still looking for so many that i'd like to have on it, but for now i'll give you a bit of a guide on some of the random stuff that IS there.
Ozzy Osbourne: So Tired: If you aren't a fan or have never heard of this one, you'd be very surprised to know it's a ballad, and you'd probably never guess it was him if you weren't told. Imagine a woman who is having an affair and the guy keeps telling her he will soon be all hers. Only this time it's the guy being put on hold and he's fed up and is giving up waiting. Very sad.
Amy Grant: Ask Me: This starts off with the singer talking about a young girl who is sexually abused and trying to do all that she can to erase it but all she can do is bathe him off her, put on perfume so she doesn't smell him, etc etc. The singer inquires 'ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven' because she sees no mercy comfort or salvation from this situation. Later the girl grows up and has gotten through it the best she can and life is pretty normal. The singer again says 'Ask me how I know, there's a God up in the heaven.' Here it becomes obvious that the singer is the little girl and it's because she lived through it that she DOES beleive she was being taken care of all along. I think that's an awesome example of faith and a positive outlook- it's the only way to not be a victim your entire life.
Meatloaf: Life Is A Lemon, And I Want My Money Back: Awesome 'Angry Song'. He goes down the list of things that are defective about or in life. It's almost too cynical even for 'ME'... but oh so fun to yell along with.
From 'What about love? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always breaking in half...what about sex? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's never built to really last.' to 'What about your childhood? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always getting burried in the past... What about your future? IT'S DEFECTIVE! You can shove it up your aaaaaaaaassssssssssssss. Lol. Gotta love it!
I'd love to know what you think about each one and if it's new to you or not. Just promise to TRY to judge based on lyric content more than first impression of the sound of it. There will be more to come in the days to follow!
I'm the sort who listens to music for these reasons, in this order:
1: The sound/flow/beat/goosebump factor of it
2: How well I relate to the lyrics
3: My fickle mood
Ninety Nine percent of what's on my list is there for very personal reasons, the 'I can relate! ones. Usually because I do - however unfortunate that is, lol. But then there are those which I can only relate to on certain levels... because half way into it, a phrase is sung that just changes the entire meaning. Very annoying. But still either close enough, or just lovely sentiments. Then there are the 'Get up and wiggle it cuz you just don't give a damn' songs. I'm still not sure if the 'Making whoopie' songs are a category unto themselves or if they are part of the 'Wiggle it' one. They usually tend to be. And lastly there are those 'Angry Songs'. This category is hard to say when I like to listen to it, because I'm normally a positive person. But sometimes you can only remain positive by having an outlet. And this category fills that need very well. I'm still looking for so many that i'd like to have on it, but for now i'll give you a bit of a guide on some of the random stuff that IS there.
Ozzy Osbourne: So Tired: If you aren't a fan or have never heard of this one, you'd be very surprised to know it's a ballad, and you'd probably never guess it was him if you weren't told. Imagine a woman who is having an affair and the guy keeps telling her he will soon be all hers. Only this time it's the guy being put on hold and he's fed up and is giving up waiting. Very sad.
Amy Grant: Ask Me: This starts off with the singer talking about a young girl who is sexually abused and trying to do all that she can to erase it but all she can do is bathe him off her, put on perfume so she doesn't smell him, etc etc. The singer inquires 'ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven' because she sees no mercy comfort or salvation from this situation. Later the girl grows up and has gotten through it the best she can and life is pretty normal. The singer again says 'Ask me how I know, there's a God up in the heaven.' Here it becomes obvious that the singer is the little girl and it's because she lived through it that she DOES beleive she was being taken care of all along. I think that's an awesome example of faith and a positive outlook- it's the only way to not be a victim your entire life.
Meatloaf: Life Is A Lemon, And I Want My Money Back: Awesome 'Angry Song'. He goes down the list of things that are defective about or in life. It's almost too cynical even for 'ME'... but oh so fun to yell along with.
From 'What about love? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always breaking in half...what about sex? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's never built to really last.' to 'What about your childhood? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always getting burried in the past... What about your future? IT'S DEFECTIVE! You can shove it up your aaaaaaaaassssssssssssss. Lol. Gotta love it!
I'd love to know what you think about each one and if it's new to you or not. Just promise to TRY to judge based on lyric content more than first impression of the sound of it. There will be more to come in the days to follow!
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