A newly hired co-worker recently told me about why her four kids are living in another city with her sister in-law. A very hard night of partying, drugs, a spiteful husband, and drug testing were all involved in that ultimate but temporary situation. This is the same person who was proud enough of her battle wounds to tell every one of us about them. Then of course we ask how did that happen. Apparently she got into a fight with a guy who was trying to stop her from stopping her husband commit suicide. I could only wonder why and how on earth any one would live in this kind of life?
I tell her my theory about people who say they want to and are going to commit suicide within earshot of others. Call me cold hearted, but sometimes it’s just a bunch of drama whores looking for attention and playing their cards. ( according to her specific situation of saying she has threatened divorce so many times and they fight all the time and yet still together—so please don’t barrage my comment box with hateful stuff about how I don’t take it seriously) Personally, I think if someone wants to do that, they are going to do it eventually and you can’t be there to baby sit them all the time just because they threaten to do it. People who REALLY want to do it won’t tell anyone, as this would usually tend to prevent them from the freedom to do it. I didn’t get to finish though because she went down the ‘Oh yeah? Well then what do I tell my 4 kids when they say ‘where’s Dad?’ What do I tell his parents when they say ‘Where’s my Son?’ What do I tell….’ etc etc etc.
Sounds like Martyr Syndrome to me.
Had I been able to finish I might have proved my point with a bit more logic and less chill. I wanted to ask her if she called 911. If someone is seriously wanting to kill themselves you call 911 and you get them help. Period. You don’t just go to bed that night and say ‘Don’t ever do that again you stupid ass.’ You get him professional help. And that’s the end of that. No more whiney drama.
So this among other comments and attitudes all equal up to an impression of someone I do not want to know very well. Someone I would not admit to knowing very well if I did. And tonight she asked me for my phone #. Not too keen on this request, so I said ‘ok’ but stayed busy and hoped it would be forgotten about… but also wondering why the heck would she ask for that? Luckily, I still don’t know and don’t really care if it means getting out of it.
And I know I sound like a snob, but I think I probably have more right to be than most because it’s in this kind of lifestyle that I spent most of my life, all the way up to the time of my young marriage. I know it well. I know the magnetism of troubled lives. And how they all seem to gather together and create their own little dramatic world where everybody has a sob story. They feed off of each other, they tangle their lives up with each others and they raise more children to do the same. There are no boundaries… and there is no reasoning or imploring them to seek a better life.. And I honestly don’t know why my life took me in a completely different , much straighter direction. Two men before my husband had asked me to marry them. One I knew was at the very least, an ex druggie, the other a definite pothead. But I still don't think that 'I' would have ended up JUST like them. Deeply entrenched in that world though, absolutely. It’s so odd to think how one choice made, one action not taken, one supposed luck of the draw, could have set my life on an entirely different course.
I know we all have a purpose in this life and I know that some of those purposes might seem so very mundane and minor. We aren’t all meant to speak to the masses and rejuvenate souls and give people purpose… we might just be other people’s stepping stones to a slightly better life. Perhaps the single small domino that sets in motion a much larger chain of events. But by the time they have all fallen and made their intricate pattern come to life… that first domino is long forgotten.
So then I have to wonder… if I have the chance to be some kind of positive influence, shouldn’t I let her in? Am I the Martyr now? It’s a hard position to take…. I know what kind of life she leads. I know I don’t want ‘those kind of people’ (druggies, unemployed moochers, womanizing low lifes and women with such low self esteem they don’t think they deserve any better) in my nice safe almost middle class life. But the high road is also where we are encouraged to reach out and support those who need it. The Christian in me says I should not judge her and make my self available to her.
It could be that she just wants to call me when she is ready to pay me back my five bucks… but somehow I highly doubt it.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
On being 'Numb'...
The drama queen that I am most-definitely-not, always kind of flinched at the concept when someone said they were ‘numb’.
Not that I don’t believe it’s possible to be so, but really? Numb? Totally and completely with out feeling? It seems like such an extreme and likely final state that the avoiderererr and denierererr in me would rather ‘peeshaw’ at then acknowledge the possibility of. Doesn’t sound like anywhere a strong person would end up. Doesn’t sound like anything ANY person would allow to happen to their lives. I certainly wouldn’t give it the power of accepting it’s reality in my life.
Buuatt… I can understand the instinct to shut off the channel through which we receive the things we aren’t equipped to handle. I can understand how a certain specific kind of pain can become exempt from all receptors.
I can say that I’ve experienced one kind of pain more times than one person would be unfortunate to even KNOW about in their lifetime. But I’m not numb.
Notice how I said ‘...more times’?
You might call it desensitized. You might call it self preservation. You might call it denial. You might even call it psychological. I'd just like to call it wisdom. But it’s really not so deep or soul changing as all that. It’s just having been there enough times to know that’s not where I want to be. Still... no where near 'Numb'.
Sounds a lot like denial, but I fully acknowledge that life as I know it has yet again changed. And that love as I knew it, may never be the same. THAT concept… absolutely digs in at me. But I do not dwell on concepts and maybes.
To be numb and not feel life’s pains and hurts is to not feel life’s joys and pleasures either.
My life goes on. I have smiled from ear to ear and I have even laughed. It surprises me sometimes to realize how 'ok' I am, when something reminds me that one would think that I should not be so happy go lucky right now. The loss of explanation at why I’m not a total torn up wreck is a fact that on one hand I am proud of, and on the other– admittedly worrisome over.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be in denial and make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to be cold and hardened. I don’t want to stop loving the way I do.
Though I’ve changed and grown a great deal over the years, I didn’t always accept the possibility of being hurt. I didn’t always give my heart with abandon.
So it seems I’ve come full circle. The love and tenderness that has taken me from where I started, to where I’ve been is the same love that drops me back off here today, contemplating ’Numb.’
Back where I started isn’t such a terrible place to be I guess. And now I know I am capable of forgiveness and probably even some day again, capable of trust.
And I don't feel that I am angry or bitter about any of it. That love will always be my secret treasure. Always.
Perhaps there is some truth to the theory that fresh wounds can be too raw to touch. But aside from the rush of blood to my head and chest, and the anxiety of lost breath that happens about 6 or 7 times a day… I’m still here and participating in life. I don’t think about it all day long until the not being numb part kicks me in the gut and causes me to lose air- litterally. I work. I opperate. I function. No one really knows the possibility of the pain that is out there for me, the sadness that I refuse to let rise. Even though, out of the blue I can't breath. I take a breath. And I go on. No tears unless you count the ones behind my eyes. Three days ago even the hurting-est of a favorite heart wrenching love song was more than tolerable. Today… perhaps I’m beginning to heal. I’m definitely NOT numb. I am more scared to not be than I am of being...but I’m pretty sure I definitely don’t have to worry about becoming numb.
I know I have to look forward only from here on. And everything in the future will be different than the past. That is a given for life in general. So I won’t say it bids foreboding on the love that remains.
I can only say for sure that I will continue to live, no one needs to worry about me.
And I am not gone. I will be here. And that’s all I know.
To be numb and not feel life’s pains and hurts is to not feel life’s joys and pleasures either.
My life goes on. I have smiled from ear to ear and I have even laughed. It surprises me sometimes to realize how 'ok' I am, when something reminds me that one would think that I should not be so happy go lucky right now. The loss of explanation at why I’m not a total torn up wreck is a fact that on one hand I am proud of, and on the other– admittedly worrisome over.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be in denial and make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to be cold and hardened. I don’t want to stop loving the way I do.
Though I’ve changed and grown a great deal over the years, I didn’t always accept the possibility of being hurt. I didn’t always give my heart with abandon.
So it seems I’ve come full circle. The love and tenderness that has taken me from where I started, to where I’ve been is the same love that drops me back off here today, contemplating ’Numb.’
Back where I started isn’t such a terrible place to be I guess. And now I know I am capable of forgiveness and probably even some day again, capable of trust.
And I don't feel that I am angry or bitter about any of it. That love will always be my secret treasure. Always.
Perhaps there is some truth to the theory that fresh wounds can be too raw to touch. But aside from the rush of blood to my head and chest, and the anxiety of lost breath that happens about 6 or 7 times a day… I’m still here and participating in life. I don’t think about it all day long until the not being numb part kicks me in the gut and causes me to lose air- litterally. I work. I opperate. I function. No one really knows the possibility of the pain that is out there for me, the sadness that I refuse to let rise. Even though, out of the blue I can't breath. I take a breath. And I go on. No tears unless you count the ones behind my eyes. Three days ago even the hurting-est of a favorite heart wrenching love song was more than tolerable. Today… perhaps I’m beginning to heal. I’m definitely NOT numb. I am more scared to not be than I am of being...but I’m pretty sure I definitely don’t have to worry about becoming numb.
I know I have to look forward only from here on. And everything in the future will be different than the past. That is a given for life in general. So I won’t say it bids foreboding on the love that remains.
I can only say for sure that I will continue to live, no one needs to worry about me.
And I am not gone. I will be here. And that’s all I know.
NO WORDS
You and I– we breathe from the same heartbeat. We see from behind the same eyes.
We even tell ourselves the same lies.
We think each other’s thoughts and pass back and forth the same burrs. Sometimes there really is no need for words.
That quiet comfort, I could lay in it forever. Our love is so good and pure. Our love is so right.
And sometimes love is blinded by it’s very own light.
It is indescribable—the intimacy that we share. No examples or exaggerations can be used to compare.
Just no words to allude or infer that forever is truly ours.
But then we find ourselves in the here and now– the lonely emptiness which is all that distance will allow.
We find ourselves on our own and left to our own devices. We are often tempted and thus give into to our silly vices.
Reason and logic have escaped our actions. Selfish indulgence fills our satisfactions.
This twisted reality spins and blurs. It takes our breath away and leaves us with no words.
When something is so good, so near perfection… how can there be such rejection?
How can I explain the path that this has taken? How do you explain anything when your senses are shaken? How do you know if you really know anything at all… when you can’t even explain how such a grand love can take such a wasteful fall, and how a love of the ages– now burns in it’s pages.
How do you chase away the clouds when you can only sit and seethe.
How do you share what is in your heart– when you can barely breathe.
How do I tell you what I plan to do and how...If I even knew these things myself, I would surely tell you now.
But I can not even begin to convey the storm within… just as I can not control what occurs...
Because you are right…there really are no words. Red 07-20-08
THE ONLY THING….
Ever since the day we met– I knew I’d never known anyone like you yet.
The days turned into years and you slowly began to quiet my fears. You made me truly believe.
You kissed my soul and all my love and passion you did receive.
Each and every day I lived for us– with the kind of faith and commitment that can only come with trust.
It wasn’t always easy, nor often very hard, even though my shell was tough and my heart was deeply scarred.
You soothed me with your patience and promised me the rest of time. You said that time with me was nothing short of sublime.
Each compliment and promise came out pure and strong. You made it hard for me to doubt where I belong.
Your words were golden, all your gifts true blue. I could never have imagined a day where you didn’t think of me too.
You gave me everything– but the only thing I ever wanted was you.
To know your pain and to stand with you in your rain. To give you my shoulder or to stand beside you to help you feel bolder. To give you my strength and my comfort forever. But you came to me… never.
If you don’t need me, we should let it be. If you don’t want my friendship you can not use my love. It’s about where and if we stand together when push comes to shove.
It’s not the actions that have hurt me so… it’s the arms length to which you make me go.
The knowledge of your lie, is not the reason why…. It’s not the final straw. But if you refuse to need me, this is the line I draw.
It’s hurts me more than any burden I could ever have to hold… so much more than a lie or truth untold…
To know that you don’t think of me when you have a need…. To know that you would make the cut, and leave yourself to bleed. With out letting me know you bought the knife. With out letting me even try to save your life. You would take a stumble off the most wretched cliff and not take my hand when I offer you a lift.
It’s not easy to admit when you need, but a friend who loves you as I do should be entitled to the greed, of being there for you and of being the one…who removes your hand from the loaded gun.
But I’ll never be able to do this, and save you from these metaphors, if you can’t let every part of my love for you through your secret doors.
It hurts so much to not be that special to you, to not be good enough for your trials and tribulations… that you can not share with me your life and all it’s revelations.
If you fear my judgment– then I have no defense, and I can understand your stance... But knowing my love for you is as strong as it is, you should have given it the chance.
But I know now, that I’m not worthy. I know now that I’m not so special as I once thought. And I no longer know for what I have fought.
You can find love in many an arm. You can become beguiled by many a charm. There are all different levels and kinds of bliss and affection that one can share.
But there usually aren’t very many people in one’s life who can truly say they will always… always and forever -be there.
I told you this in every way I could. I asked you to believe in me and I so hoped you would.
But you turned away from my friendship and shunned my faith in you. I guess you didn’t know this was the only thing I couldn’t let you do.
Red 07-19-08
You and I– we breathe from the same heartbeat. We see from behind the same eyes.
We even tell ourselves the same lies.
We think each other’s thoughts and pass back and forth the same burrs. Sometimes there really is no need for words.
That quiet comfort, I could lay in it forever. Our love is so good and pure. Our love is so right.
And sometimes love is blinded by it’s very own light.
It is indescribable—the intimacy that we share. No examples or exaggerations can be used to compare.
Just no words to allude or infer that forever is truly ours.
But then we find ourselves in the here and now– the lonely emptiness which is all that distance will allow.
We find ourselves on our own and left to our own devices. We are often tempted and thus give into to our silly vices.
Reason and logic have escaped our actions. Selfish indulgence fills our satisfactions.
This twisted reality spins and blurs. It takes our breath away and leaves us with no words.
When something is so good, so near perfection… how can there be such rejection?
How can I explain the path that this has taken? How do you explain anything when your senses are shaken? How do you know if you really know anything at all… when you can’t even explain how such a grand love can take such a wasteful fall, and how a love of the ages– now burns in it’s pages.
How do you chase away the clouds when you can only sit and seethe.
How do you share what is in your heart– when you can barely breathe.
How do I tell you what I plan to do and how...If I even knew these things myself, I would surely tell you now.
But I can not even begin to convey the storm within… just as I can not control what occurs...
Because you are right…there really are no words. Red 07-20-08
THE ONLY THING….
Ever since the day we met– I knew I’d never known anyone like you yet.
The days turned into years and you slowly began to quiet my fears. You made me truly believe.
You kissed my soul and all my love and passion you did receive.
Each and every day I lived for us– with the kind of faith and commitment that can only come with trust.
It wasn’t always easy, nor often very hard, even though my shell was tough and my heart was deeply scarred.
You soothed me with your patience and promised me the rest of time. You said that time with me was nothing short of sublime.
Each compliment and promise came out pure and strong. You made it hard for me to doubt where I belong.
Your words were golden, all your gifts true blue. I could never have imagined a day where you didn’t think of me too.
You gave me everything– but the only thing I ever wanted was you.
To know your pain and to stand with you in your rain. To give you my shoulder or to stand beside you to help you feel bolder. To give you my strength and my comfort forever. But you came to me… never.
If you don’t need me, we should let it be. If you don’t want my friendship you can not use my love. It’s about where and if we stand together when push comes to shove.
It’s not the actions that have hurt me so… it’s the arms length to which you make me go.
The knowledge of your lie, is not the reason why…. It’s not the final straw. But if you refuse to need me, this is the line I draw.
It’s hurts me more than any burden I could ever have to hold… so much more than a lie or truth untold…
To know that you don’t think of me when you have a need…. To know that you would make the cut, and leave yourself to bleed. With out letting me know you bought the knife. With out letting me even try to save your life. You would take a stumble off the most wretched cliff and not take my hand when I offer you a lift.
It’s not easy to admit when you need, but a friend who loves you as I do should be entitled to the greed, of being there for you and of being the one…who removes your hand from the loaded gun.
But I’ll never be able to do this, and save you from these metaphors, if you can’t let every part of my love for you through your secret doors.
It hurts so much to not be that special to you, to not be good enough for your trials and tribulations… that you can not share with me your life and all it’s revelations.
If you fear my judgment– then I have no defense, and I can understand your stance... But knowing my love for you is as strong as it is, you should have given it the chance.
But I know now, that I’m not worthy. I know now that I’m not so special as I once thought. And I no longer know for what I have fought.
You can find love in many an arm. You can become beguiled by many a charm. There are all different levels and kinds of bliss and affection that one can share.
But there usually aren’t very many people in one’s life who can truly say they will always… always and forever -be there.
I told you this in every way I could. I asked you to believe in me and I so hoped you would.
But you turned away from my friendship and shunned my faith in you. I guess you didn’t know this was the only thing I couldn’t let you do.
Red 07-19-08
Friday, July 18, 2008
Waxing poetic
A LOVER'S FRIENDSHIP
For everything that you have given me, for the most joyous of joys I’ve ever known…
How can I thank you for all the love you have shown?
How can I tell you with words so tattered and torn…
How can I utter the sound when the recording is ragged and worn?
For I’ve said it so very many times, how much I love you so.
I’ve said it in a million ways just because it’s so important that you know.
Still you resist the ultimate connection, you deny yourself a friend’s affection.
But love is not just a beaming reflection, stronger than normal feelings, or even a hearts resurrection. Love is the essence of life, the open arms of a friend. Love is unconditional to the very end.
Angry when hurt, disapproving and curt… yes even love can get carried away. It can think it knows better and threaten to walk out and stay.
But you can only know what’s real, and only know what’s true, if you let love be there like the friend who will always want to.
You may not like what it has to say, when it says it and in what way. But the friendship that comes of love, is still there for you every single lonely rainy day.
Love is not just passion, lust or desire. Love lives by friendships undying fire.
Come to my hearth and let me hold you. Let the arms of friendship unfold for you. Take me at my word, so many times told to you….
Share with me your friendship that I so deeply desire. Let me be a friend so our love can fly higher. Red 07-18-08
I THINK ABOUT YOU.
I think about you and wait to see if I’m still mad. I think about us and wait to see if I begin to feel sad.
I think about the pain that I never wanted. I think about the joy you brought me and how now, it will surely be stunted.
I think about ‘if you could only see me now!’, but it hurts me to hurt you and that I can’t allow.
I think about what we’ll miss and I think about how we both can kiss, and kiss…. and kiss.
I think I’m going to be ok and I think my expectations have all fallen away. I think I know I don’t know you after all and I think how you
refuse to know me… I think I can live with what ever will be…. will be.
I think I feel strong and I think I’m being smart.
But I think I’m just numb in the heart.
Red 07-18-08
For everything that you have given me, for the most joyous of joys I’ve ever known…
How can I thank you for all the love you have shown?
How can I tell you with words so tattered and torn…
How can I utter the sound when the recording is ragged and worn?
For I’ve said it so very many times, how much I love you so.
I’ve said it in a million ways just because it’s so important that you know.
Still you resist the ultimate connection, you deny yourself a friend’s affection.
But love is not just a beaming reflection, stronger than normal feelings, or even a hearts resurrection. Love is the essence of life, the open arms of a friend. Love is unconditional to the very end.
Angry when hurt, disapproving and curt… yes even love can get carried away. It can think it knows better and threaten to walk out and stay.
But you can only know what’s real, and only know what’s true, if you let love be there like the friend who will always want to.
You may not like what it has to say, when it says it and in what way. But the friendship that comes of love, is still there for you every single lonely rainy day.
Love is not just passion, lust or desire. Love lives by friendships undying fire.
Come to my hearth and let me hold you. Let the arms of friendship unfold for you. Take me at my word, so many times told to you….
Share with me your friendship that I so deeply desire. Let me be a friend so our love can fly higher. Red 07-18-08
I THINK ABOUT YOU.
I think about you and wait to see if I’m still mad. I think about us and wait to see if I begin to feel sad.
I think about the pain that I never wanted. I think about the joy you brought me and how now, it will surely be stunted.
I think about ‘if you could only see me now!’, but it hurts me to hurt you and that I can’t allow.
I think about what we’ll miss and I think about how we both can kiss, and kiss…. and kiss.
I think I’m going to be ok and I think my expectations have all fallen away. I think I know I don’t know you after all and I think how you
refuse to know me… I think I can live with what ever will be…. will be.
I think I feel strong and I think I’m being smart.
But I think I’m just numb in the heart.
Red 07-18-08
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