The drama queen that I am most-definitely-not, always kind of flinched at the concept when someone said they were ‘numb’.
Not that I don’t believe it’s possible to be so, but really? Numb? Totally and completely with out feeling? It seems like such an extreme and likely final state that the avoiderererr and denierererr in me would rather ‘peeshaw’ at then acknowledge the possibility of. Doesn’t sound like anywhere a strong person would end up. Doesn’t sound like anything ANY person would allow to happen to their lives. I certainly wouldn’t give it the power of accepting it’s reality in my life.
Buuatt… I can understand the instinct to shut off the channel through which we receive the things we aren’t equipped to handle. I can understand how a certain specific kind of pain can become exempt from all receptors.
I can say that I’ve experienced one kind of pain more times than one person would be unfortunate to even KNOW about in their lifetime. But I’m not numb.
Notice how I said ‘...more times’?
You might call it desensitized. You might call it self preservation. You might call it denial. You might even call it psychological. I'd just like to call it wisdom. But it’s really not so deep or soul changing as all that. It’s just having been there enough times to know that’s not where I want to be. Still... no where near 'Numb'.
Sounds a lot like denial, but I fully acknowledge that life as I know it has yet again changed. And that love as I knew it, may never be the same. THAT concept… absolutely digs in at me. But I do not dwell on concepts and maybes.
To be numb and not feel life’s pains and hurts is to not feel life’s joys and pleasures either.
My life goes on. I have smiled from ear to ear and I have even laughed. It surprises me sometimes to realize how 'ok' I am, when something reminds me that one would think that I should not be so happy go lucky right now. The loss of explanation at why I’m not a total torn up wreck is a fact that on one hand I am proud of, and on the other– admittedly worrisome over.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be in denial and make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to be cold and hardened. I don’t want to stop loving the way I do.
Though I’ve changed and grown a great deal over the years, I didn’t always accept the possibility of being hurt. I didn’t always give my heart with abandon.
So it seems I’ve come full circle. The love and tenderness that has taken me from where I started, to where I’ve been is the same love that drops me back off here today, contemplating ’Numb.’
Back where I started isn’t such a terrible place to be I guess. And now I know I am capable of forgiveness and probably even some day again, capable of trust.
And I don't feel that I am angry or bitter about any of it. That love will always be my secret treasure. Always.
Perhaps there is some truth to the theory that fresh wounds can be too raw to touch. But aside from the rush of blood to my head and chest, and the anxiety of lost breath that happens about 6 or 7 times a day… I’m still here and participating in life. I don’t think about it all day long until the not being numb part kicks me in the gut and causes me to lose air- litterally. I work. I opperate. I function. No one really knows the possibility of the pain that is out there for me, the sadness that I refuse to let rise. Even though, out of the blue I can't breath. I take a breath. And I go on. No tears unless you count the ones behind my eyes. Three days ago even the hurting-est of a favorite heart wrenching love song was more than tolerable. Today… perhaps I’m beginning to heal. I’m definitely NOT numb. I am more scared to not be than I am of being...but I’m pretty sure I definitely don’t have to worry about becoming numb.
I know I have to look forward only from here on. And everything in the future will be different than the past. That is a given for life in general. So I won’t say it bids foreboding on the love that remains.
I can only say for sure that I will continue to live, no one needs to worry about me.
And I am not gone. I will be here. And that’s all I know.
To be numb and not feel life’s pains and hurts is to not feel life’s joys and pleasures either.
My life goes on. I have smiled from ear to ear and I have even laughed. It surprises me sometimes to realize how 'ok' I am, when something reminds me that one would think that I should not be so happy go lucky right now. The loss of explanation at why I’m not a total torn up wreck is a fact that on one hand I am proud of, and on the other– admittedly worrisome over.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be in denial and make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to be cold and hardened. I don’t want to stop loving the way I do.
Though I’ve changed and grown a great deal over the years, I didn’t always accept the possibility of being hurt. I didn’t always give my heart with abandon.
So it seems I’ve come full circle. The love and tenderness that has taken me from where I started, to where I’ve been is the same love that drops me back off here today, contemplating ’Numb.’
Back where I started isn’t such a terrible place to be I guess. And now I know I am capable of forgiveness and probably even some day again, capable of trust.
And I don't feel that I am angry or bitter about any of it. That love will always be my secret treasure. Always.
Perhaps there is some truth to the theory that fresh wounds can be too raw to touch. But aside from the rush of blood to my head and chest, and the anxiety of lost breath that happens about 6 or 7 times a day… I’m still here and participating in life. I don’t think about it all day long until the not being numb part kicks me in the gut and causes me to lose air- litterally. I work. I opperate. I function. No one really knows the possibility of the pain that is out there for me, the sadness that I refuse to let rise. Even though, out of the blue I can't breath. I take a breath. And I go on. No tears unless you count the ones behind my eyes. Three days ago even the hurting-est of a favorite heart wrenching love song was more than tolerable. Today… perhaps I’m beginning to heal. I’m definitely NOT numb. I am more scared to not be than I am of being...but I’m pretty sure I definitely don’t have to worry about becoming numb.
I know I have to look forward only from here on. And everything in the future will be different than the past. That is a given for life in general. So I won’t say it bids foreboding on the love that remains.
I can only say for sure that I will continue to live, no one needs to worry about me.
And I am not gone. I will be here. And that’s all I know.
No comments:
Post a Comment
What's in your head?