If you recall the sketchy coworker who had asked for my phone number ( to which I gave none) ... as it turns out- I'm SO happy that I didn't!
One night the assistant manager was 'working' (ahem) at the managers desk. I myself was toiling away at my own nightly tasks when I hear Jane say to the assistant...'Oh hey, while you are back there will you give me Sue's phone number out of the book?' Assistant asked, 'Why?' Jane said, 'Because I was supposed to call her tonight.' Assistant says, 'Ok.'
I leaned back so I could see the assistant and I said to her...'I wouldn't'. She looked at me, puzzled, and said, 'Why?'. I said, 'I wouldn't be very happy at all if someone gave out my number.'
A few days later I was working with Sue and I told her that Jane was asking management to retrieve your number for her. Sue said, 'Why?' I told her that Jane said she was SUPPOSED to call you, like you were expecting it so it was OK. Sue said 'Oh hell no! Do you know I gave that girl a ride home once, to be nice, and she ended up asking me for a ride out of town, said she had to pick something up in Glennville.. at midnight!'
I instantly felt justification for all the times I jes looked at her when she gave a sob story about how she didn't know how she was going to get home after work. I've been sooo close to offering... it just never worked out that we left at the same time on a night that she was needing a ride. So I never had to and thank goodness! I'm so glad I didn't even say 'I would BUT...'. Thankfully I've never felt quite gracious enough and I don't feel bad about it now.
Nor do I feel bad for being a bit judgmental about whether or not she's the kind of person I want to have my phone number as I did in my previous post about her asking for it. I just hope I can keep up the rouse that I have forgotten to do so. It's OK to chose your friends. And no one else needs my phone number.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Red remembers...
I think it's time that I got back to my original reason for developing this blog, which was sharing my crazy past.
Yep. It's been an emotional roller coaster.
Though my childhood was that indeed, what I refer to as such is my PRESENT. And i've expressed it plenty on here. But now that roller coaster is stable, content and ready to go back to the beginning.
I've often heard people say they can remember being 2yrs old or even younger. This is amazing to me. And when thinking how people are able to do this I am always prompted to really try to remember my own very first memory.
It's very silly and goes something like this...
My older sister and I were playing in my Dad's old car that was parked in the yard. We each had a little black poodle dog of our own and each were named after us. We had our dogs inside this old car with us because we had previously learned how fun it was to watch them eat the dead flies out of the back window. Who knew?
Nothing very striking here. Why that stuck in my memory banks ever since, I have no idea. It could be the harsh conditions we lived under were such a contrast to this 'fun event' that my sister and I were able to experience, that it created an endorphin laced memory glue.
I feel like I should warn you before I go any farther, many of my memories are out of chronological order. My mother often has to correct me when I speak of this event being tied to that event, this funny thing happening in my room at that house... and so on. But unless you are a family member with a better memory than I (that means you Mom) , it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things here. So, I shall carry on as they come....
I also remember a dark and very cold house with wood floors and the very minimal of furniture. I remember our Chiuaua dog (who absolutely hated me) dragging her butt across the hardwoods floors and leaving a diarrhea trail, and always being afraid of stepping in a land mine in the constant darkness. I remember sleeping at the top of a bunk bed that was in the dinning room for some reason. My sister slept on the bottom and would kick at my mattress from underneath because I would grind my teeth in my sleep. I never got a good nights sleep for all the kicking and freezing. (But then I guess, neither did she for all the grinding!)
I related this memory to my Mom. As it turns out, the bunk was in the dinning room because it was closest to the living room where my parents slept. They slept there because it was where my Dad had the heater... a very dangerous home made oil drip version. He would collect used oil from gas stations. They'd give it to him for free because they didn't want to pay to dispose of it.
My memory is of a darkened house because we did not have electricity. (thus the home made drip oil heater) My dad always refused to work for someone else and would spend many days and weeks away from home chasing repair jobs here and there. We were able to live in the house at all because the owners had made a deal with my dad that he would fix up the property and work for them doing whatever it was they asked of him. But his constant chase for greener grass prevented that from really ever happening. This was the case with many of our homes and the reason for the sheer number of them.
Aside from being barely 20 and two kids under 5, my mom was not able to work because this particular house was a number of miles out in the country and that car parked in the yard was non operable. That was how my dad wanted it. She would not have been allowed to drive even if that car did work. She was where he wanted her and that's how he kept her.
At least until she was sick and ended up in the hospital for a little over a week and came home to the knowledge that he had only fed us canned chicken noodle soup the entire time. My sister said to her... 'Oh Mommy! I'm so glad you're home. I'm sooo hungry! Please make something that's not chicken noodle soup Mommy, pleeeeasse??'
Something about that pathetic plea from her oldest child made a metal rod grow down her spine and she walked all those miles with us in tow, into the nearest town; leaving my dad. With two young kids and nothing to her possession, she did what she had to do. She went to battered women's services and told them that he beat her and she was afraid for her children and needed to go back home to her parents. They bought her a bus ticket and she was out of that situation for the time being. But it never failed to follow that he would make promises of 'doing the right thing' and wanting to do right by his family and thus successfully wooing back a young single mother with two children whom everyone would only keep telling, 'You guys need to work it out for the sake of the children.' Again and again.
Yep. It's been an emotional roller coaster.
Though my childhood was that indeed, what I refer to as such is my PRESENT. And i've expressed it plenty on here. But now that roller coaster is stable, content and ready to go back to the beginning.
I've often heard people say they can remember being 2yrs old or even younger. This is amazing to me. And when thinking how people are able to do this I am always prompted to really try to remember my own very first memory.
It's very silly and goes something like this...
My older sister and I were playing in my Dad's old car that was parked in the yard. We each had a little black poodle dog of our own and each were named after us. We had our dogs inside this old car with us because we had previously learned how fun it was to watch them eat the dead flies out of the back window. Who knew?
Nothing very striking here. Why that stuck in my memory banks ever since, I have no idea. It could be the harsh conditions we lived under were such a contrast to this 'fun event' that my sister and I were able to experience, that it created an endorphin laced memory glue.
I feel like I should warn you before I go any farther, many of my memories are out of chronological order. My mother often has to correct me when I speak of this event being tied to that event, this funny thing happening in my room at that house... and so on. But unless you are a family member with a better memory than I (that means you Mom) , it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things here. So, I shall carry on as they come....
I also remember a dark and very cold house with wood floors and the very minimal of furniture. I remember our Chiuaua dog (who absolutely hated me) dragging her butt across the hardwoods floors and leaving a diarrhea trail, and always being afraid of stepping in a land mine in the constant darkness. I remember sleeping at the top of a bunk bed that was in the dinning room for some reason. My sister slept on the bottom and would kick at my mattress from underneath because I would grind my teeth in my sleep. I never got a good nights sleep for all the kicking and freezing. (But then I guess, neither did she for all the grinding!)
I related this memory to my Mom. As it turns out, the bunk was in the dinning room because it was closest to the living room where my parents slept. They slept there because it was where my Dad had the heater... a very dangerous home made oil drip version. He would collect used oil from gas stations. They'd give it to him for free because they didn't want to pay to dispose of it.
My memory is of a darkened house because we did not have electricity. (thus the home made drip oil heater) My dad always refused to work for someone else and would spend many days and weeks away from home chasing repair jobs here and there. We were able to live in the house at all because the owners had made a deal with my dad that he would fix up the property and work for them doing whatever it was they asked of him. But his constant chase for greener grass prevented that from really ever happening. This was the case with many of our homes and the reason for the sheer number of them.
Aside from being barely 20 and two kids under 5, my mom was not able to work because this particular house was a number of miles out in the country and that car parked in the yard was non operable. That was how my dad wanted it. She would not have been allowed to drive even if that car did work. She was where he wanted her and that's how he kept her.
At least until she was sick and ended up in the hospital for a little over a week and came home to the knowledge that he had only fed us canned chicken noodle soup the entire time. My sister said to her... 'Oh Mommy! I'm so glad you're home. I'm sooo hungry! Please make something that's not chicken noodle soup Mommy, pleeeeasse??'
Something about that pathetic plea from her oldest child made a metal rod grow down her spine and she walked all those miles with us in tow, into the nearest town; leaving my dad. With two young kids and nothing to her possession, she did what she had to do. She went to battered women's services and told them that he beat her and she was afraid for her children and needed to go back home to her parents. They bought her a bus ticket and she was out of that situation for the time being. But it never failed to follow that he would make promises of 'doing the right thing' and wanting to do right by his family and thus successfully wooing back a young single mother with two children whom everyone would only keep telling, 'You guys need to work it out for the sake of the children.' Again and again.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
For A Change...
Your life is so far away- your love I can not touch. Every day is a waiting game and I miss you so much.
My life should be yours, and yours should be mine. But alone with out you I live, just passing time.
Sometimes living for the future means throwing out the present. It's the lonliest of days... days like today that I begin the descent.
Deep inside where logic presides, innocence is dead and cynicism resides.
It tells me to live for today and not to be so foolish as to toss it away.
But i'm just waiting for you and some crazy chance. I'm waiting for you to come lead the dance.
I'm waiting for life to do what it does best... to bring me the future and to change all the rest.
Because change is the only thing that will bring you to me. Change is the only thing that will allow us to be.
So I'm waiting for you... waiting for a change. Hoping the situation will soon rearrange.
Waiting for time to help love earn it's due.
Waiting for a change....waiting for you.
Red 08-26-08
My life should be yours, and yours should be mine. But alone with out you I live, just passing time.
Sometimes living for the future means throwing out the present. It's the lonliest of days... days like today that I begin the descent.
Deep inside where logic presides, innocence is dead and cynicism resides.
It tells me to live for today and not to be so foolish as to toss it away.
But i'm just waiting for you and some crazy chance. I'm waiting for you to come lead the dance.
I'm waiting for life to do what it does best... to bring me the future and to change all the rest.
Because change is the only thing that will bring you to me. Change is the only thing that will allow us to be.
So I'm waiting for you... waiting for a change. Hoping the situation will soon rearrange.
Waiting for time to help love earn it's due.
Waiting for a change....waiting for you.
Red 08-26-08
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Where do I start? The short version of the mess in Red's head...
Sometimes I can not think of a single point of conversation to type about.
I read other blogs, I join discussion groups, and I browse. But since my favored way of writing is on lined paper, the words and ideas sometimes flow easier if I get up out of my computer chair, get comfy on the couch and set pen to real paper.
Sometimes, even that does not help. But sometimes... I realize how much there really IS to share. And the question is not 'what?' so much as 'where to start?'
Here's just a taste of what's in my chaotic mind as of late...
Do I start with the possibility of my husbands job coming to an end due to the worlds nastiest divorce? From day to day we never know if the owner is going to try to keep the business running or if hubby will have a place to work the next day. It sure makes my husband's job of keeping the business running... difficult to say the least. Did I mention we rent a house that the boss owns? Or is it his wife? Who will own it when the divorce terms are known? Will it be either one of them? And of course, dear hubby is loyal to a fault and will move where ever the boss says he will start up a new business. It's hard being married to a contractor as it is. It's either feast or famine and you never really do know the feeling of security.
I went to the Dr. for a check up a few weeks ago for the first time in many... many years. I walked in the door with nothing wrong. I walked out the door with a prescription for one thing and a need for an x ray for another thing. They have yet to call and tell me when to come in for the special procedure, or what to do now.
My new job has made it possible for me to also go to the dentist for the first time in many... many years. And I DO need to make an apt....
Next subject.
Speaking of my job... did I mention it's... not always fun?
I generally have duck feathers on my back when it comes to people acting superior or stupid or whatever... it just rolls off. I don't let people walk all over me, but I know how to get along with people when I need to. But some people have no concept of taking the high road and it can at times get pretty catty. C'mon people! Put your big kid panties on and deal with it. If you don't like something someone is doing, have an adult conversation with them or the the manager if you feel you can't speak directly to them. Otherwise- ignore it. Period. Just ignore it.
My real Dad has given up the hopes of getting rich off his porn site. No one would pay $5 per whatever. So now he wants to get a mold made for some kind of rare part for some kind of rare vehicle. Whatever.
And the list gets more and more trivial. But it's still long and I could choose to vent about a million and one things. I wanted to start blogging to help myself learn how to sort and organize thoughts. I wanted ideas to flow and I wanted to share freely. The free flowing thing is a sticking point with me. It's weird how the more that's going on the tighter I pull in on the reigns and clam up even tighter. Sometimes it's hard to see the point. And I don't mean just here in a blog- it could be that just talking to someone whom you know cares and really wants you to share with them can be SO difficult the more stuff piles up.
My biggest personal problem right now is that the person I want to vent to can only read this, and not hear it directly from me. And I don't like to spend the time sharing all this woes me crap, when I could be catching up otherwise. It's negative. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing to an extent to have SO many 'issues' in your life... and I'd just rather not spend what little time we have force feeding it. If my dear friend were closer and in my life everyday, they couldn't help but be privy to the basics and have a better understanding that it's not something I can really control and it would be OK to talk about it more freely. But I refuse to wallow so I do it here into empty space, when I'm the most bored of all.
And, yeah... I actually feel a little better!
I read other blogs, I join discussion groups, and I browse. But since my favored way of writing is on lined paper, the words and ideas sometimes flow easier if I get up out of my computer chair, get comfy on the couch and set pen to real paper.
Sometimes, even that does not help. But sometimes... I realize how much there really IS to share. And the question is not 'what?' so much as 'where to start?'
Here's just a taste of what's in my chaotic mind as of late...
Do I start with the possibility of my husbands job coming to an end due to the worlds nastiest divorce? From day to day we never know if the owner is going to try to keep the business running or if hubby will have a place to work the next day. It sure makes my husband's job of keeping the business running... difficult to say the least. Did I mention we rent a house that the boss owns? Or is it his wife? Who will own it when the divorce terms are known? Will it be either one of them? And of course, dear hubby is loyal to a fault and will move where ever the boss says he will start up a new business. It's hard being married to a contractor as it is. It's either feast or famine and you never really do know the feeling of security.
I went to the Dr. for a check up a few weeks ago for the first time in many... many years. I walked in the door with nothing wrong. I walked out the door with a prescription for one thing and a need for an x ray for another thing. They have yet to call and tell me when to come in for the special procedure, or what to do now.
My new job has made it possible for me to also go to the dentist for the first time in many... many years. And I DO need to make an apt....
Next subject.
Speaking of my job... did I mention it's... not always fun?
I generally have duck feathers on my back when it comes to people acting superior or stupid or whatever... it just rolls off. I don't let people walk all over me, but I know how to get along with people when I need to. But some people have no concept of taking the high road and it can at times get pretty catty. C'mon people! Put your big kid panties on and deal with it. If you don't like something someone is doing, have an adult conversation with them or the the manager if you feel you can't speak directly to them. Otherwise- ignore it. Period. Just ignore it.
My real Dad has given up the hopes of getting rich off his porn site. No one would pay $5 per whatever. So now he wants to get a mold made for some kind of rare part for some kind of rare vehicle. Whatever.
And the list gets more and more trivial. But it's still long and I could choose to vent about a million and one things. I wanted to start blogging to help myself learn how to sort and organize thoughts. I wanted ideas to flow and I wanted to share freely. The free flowing thing is a sticking point with me. It's weird how the more that's going on the tighter I pull in on the reigns and clam up even tighter. Sometimes it's hard to see the point. And I don't mean just here in a blog- it could be that just talking to someone whom you know cares and really wants you to share with them can be SO difficult the more stuff piles up.
My biggest personal problem right now is that the person I want to vent to can only read this, and not hear it directly from me. And I don't like to spend the time sharing all this woes me crap, when I could be catching up otherwise. It's negative. It's pitiful. It's embarrassing to an extent to have SO many 'issues' in your life... and I'd just rather not spend what little time we have force feeding it. If my dear friend were closer and in my life everyday, they couldn't help but be privy to the basics and have a better understanding that it's not something I can really control and it would be OK to talk about it more freely. But I refuse to wallow so I do it here into empty space, when I'm the most bored of all.
And, yeah... I actually feel a little better!
My Favorite Place
Hold me and just don't ever let me go. Hold me in the silent darkness and let the love flow.
Hold me against you and melt the world away. Hold me against you - there will be nothing left to say.
Take me into your arms, draw me in ever so near. Take me into your arms, whisper everything you feel into my ear.
I will hold you and just never let you go. In the silent darkness our love will flow.
I'll hold you against me and let the world melt away. I'll hold you against me and there will be nothing left to say.
Let me fall against your chest... draw me in and do what you like to do best.
My mind's eye can so vividly see how good it feels when you are holding me.
Lately our lives have been troubled... but in each other's arms the peace is doubled.
Baby won't you promise that soon we'll be face to face?
Darling don't you know in your arms is my favorite place?
Yeah baby, I know you know- your arms are my favorite place.
Red 08-25-08
Hold me against you and melt the world away. Hold me against you - there will be nothing left to say.
Take me into your arms, draw me in ever so near. Take me into your arms, whisper everything you feel into my ear.
I will hold you and just never let you go. In the silent darkness our love will flow.
I'll hold you against me and let the world melt away. I'll hold you against me and there will be nothing left to say.
Let me fall against your chest... draw me in and do what you like to do best.
My mind's eye can so vividly see how good it feels when you are holding me.
Lately our lives have been troubled... but in each other's arms the peace is doubled.
Baby won't you promise that soon we'll be face to face?
Darling don't you know in your arms is my favorite place?
Yeah baby, I know you know- your arms are my favorite place.
Red 08-25-08
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Red on 'Clarity'...
To The One I Love...
I have been blessed enough in life to experience a few rare moments of such awesome clarity. While I still have quite the muddy water on the brain, sometimes it's as if a drop of Joy Dish Soap has been dispensed into the deepest part of the ocean that is my very center. I can't say whether it is the time passed that helped me realize my most recent epiphany, or if it's sheer intervention from a greater power. I certainly can't say it's been the hours of in depth pondering, as I have not allowed myself too much time to assess current water conditions. It seems I have a teeny little fear of drowning in said oceans of the brain and these days find that avoidance is a safer place. But alas... I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, it IS another train. But it's a train that runs on tracks of intent and design. It is the train that rocked us gently as it brought us over so many hills and safely through so many valleys, carried us across bridges and canyons as far and wide as one can imagine, in so many ways. For so many years and our darkest days.
So as I stood over the sandwich I was making, and I heard the song 'Heaven' come over the radio... I stopped in my oneway hellbound tracks and I listened.
'Oh, thinking about our younger years. There was only you and me, we were young and wild and free. Now nothing can take you away from me. We've been down that road before, but that's over now. You keep me coming back for more. Baby you're all that I want when I'm lying here in your arms. I'm finding it hard to beleive - we're in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart...'
And heaven on earth it was because the clouds parted and everything was shiny and bright in that instant. And I knew... I knew that not only did I WANT to pursue happiness, but I knew it was simply a matter of choosing to do so, and that right there and then I'd decided... I'd let go and given up so many layers of coccoon that I had begun to weave around myself out of sheer habit. And in that moment of beautiful clarity I knew that I did not want to go back to being the person I was before your love touched my life and awoke me from the inside out.
If things don't go the way we planned them, it won't be because of ego, or stubborness, or because I gave up and retreated behind the walls I knew so well for so long before I knew you.
Since you, my life has been full of the greatest joy I've yet known. Not because it makes me so happy everytime you unknowingly prove your love. Not because i'm giddy from the thin air around the pedastal you put me on. But because the sum of what we are together is powerfully positive. And you... just you... make me happy like that. And I now realize that the only reason to revert to my 'safe' and 'comfortable' habits, is because of the same fear that almost kept me from ever letting you love me in the first place. I literally, didn't want to LET you love me. But I gave in then and I give in now. And despite the hills and canyons, we've seen some vistas and sunsets unlike anything we'll ever see alone. And I want to share more of them with you.
Not only am I opening my doors, but i'm getting off this runaway train and I'm hoping onto the one that lets us share the journey together. I wish for no walls to protect me and I do not require safety gear. I'm not going to stand still and watch the train go by - then strain to see where it has gone. Let the road rise up to meet us and what will be will be... we'll face it together.
And while I can not promise anything more than my commitment to the choice to hang onto the person you've helped me be, I hope you know it's a completely different perspective when I sit next to you on the ride. I know that, & I welcome that. And I choose to no longer be afraid that such a beautiful sunset can bust open my overflowing heart. Let the scenery roll by. With you, I am happier than my tears, and stronger than my fears. We won't exactly roll down hill from here and we'll weather many a storm before the clouds stay away for good. I just need you to know that I'm on board.
I Am
I am the smile that was born in dreams of 'I Do'.
I am the joy that runs through my every cell since knowing you.
I am the wisdom of a lifetime lived that has come to know true joy.
I am the lass who dreams of the ladd, the girl who loves the boy.
I am the Winter that wraps around autumn's fall.
I am the hesitant spring, the sultry summer... I have been it all.
I am not the same person that I was so very long ago.
I am not the jaded stone you used to know.
I am not the death that had become my shell.
I am happy, I am in love, and I want to live to tell.
I am not sorrow, nor pitty, nor pain.
I am not going to be found counting tears in the rain.
I am not meek, nor desperate, nor weak.
I am the answer that I know you seek.
I am recovering and beginning to heal.
I am what you helped me become- the me that is real.
I am better than I've ever been.
I am choosing to open back up inside and i'm ready to begin.
I am not peices of the me I was, since having found our love.
I am not a ghost outside and above.
I am here.
I am present.
I am choosing not to begrudge or resent.
I am the love that you gave me.
I am the open door through which you bade me.
I am vulnerable, but I am strong.
I am wanting to want Us.
And I know, for this I am not wrong.
Red 08-09-08
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Red on "The other side of the tracks"...
A newly hired co-worker recently told me about why her four kids are living in another city with her sister in-law. A very hard night of partying, drugs, a spiteful husband, and drug testing were all involved in that ultimate but temporary situation. This is the same person who was proud enough of her battle wounds to tell every one of us about them. Then of course we ask how did that happen. Apparently she got into a fight with a guy who was trying to stop her from stopping her husband commit suicide. I could only wonder why and how on earth any one would live in this kind of life?
I tell her my theory about people who say they want to and are going to commit suicide within earshot of others. Call me cold hearted, but sometimes it’s just a bunch of drama whores looking for attention and playing their cards. ( according to her specific situation of saying she has threatened divorce so many times and they fight all the time and yet still together—so please don’t barrage my comment box with hateful stuff about how I don’t take it seriously) Personally, I think if someone wants to do that, they are going to do it eventually and you can’t be there to baby sit them all the time just because they threaten to do it. People who REALLY want to do it won’t tell anyone, as this would usually tend to prevent them from the freedom to do it. I didn’t get to finish though because she went down the ‘Oh yeah? Well then what do I tell my 4 kids when they say ‘where’s Dad?’ What do I tell his parents when they say ‘Where’s my Son?’ What do I tell….’ etc etc etc.
Sounds like Martyr Syndrome to me.
Had I been able to finish I might have proved my point with a bit more logic and less chill. I wanted to ask her if she called 911. If someone is seriously wanting to kill themselves you call 911 and you get them help. Period. You don’t just go to bed that night and say ‘Don’t ever do that again you stupid ass.’ You get him professional help. And that’s the end of that. No more whiney drama.
So this among other comments and attitudes all equal up to an impression of someone I do not want to know very well. Someone I would not admit to knowing very well if I did. And tonight she asked me for my phone #. Not too keen on this request, so I said ‘ok’ but stayed busy and hoped it would be forgotten about… but also wondering why the heck would she ask for that? Luckily, I still don’t know and don’t really care if it means getting out of it.
And I know I sound like a snob, but I think I probably have more right to be than most because it’s in this kind of lifestyle that I spent most of my life, all the way up to the time of my young marriage. I know it well. I know the magnetism of troubled lives. And how they all seem to gather together and create their own little dramatic world where everybody has a sob story. They feed off of each other, they tangle their lives up with each others and they raise more children to do the same. There are no boundaries… and there is no reasoning or imploring them to seek a better life.. And I honestly don’t know why my life took me in a completely different , much straighter direction. Two men before my husband had asked me to marry them. One I knew was at the very least, an ex druggie, the other a definite pothead. But I still don't think that 'I' would have ended up JUST like them. Deeply entrenched in that world though, absolutely. It’s so odd to think how one choice made, one action not taken, one supposed luck of the draw, could have set my life on an entirely different course.
I know we all have a purpose in this life and I know that some of those purposes might seem so very mundane and minor. We aren’t all meant to speak to the masses and rejuvenate souls and give people purpose… we might just be other people’s stepping stones to a slightly better life. Perhaps the single small domino that sets in motion a much larger chain of events. But by the time they have all fallen and made their intricate pattern come to life… that first domino is long forgotten.
So then I have to wonder… if I have the chance to be some kind of positive influence, shouldn’t I let her in? Am I the Martyr now? It’s a hard position to take…. I know what kind of life she leads. I know I don’t want ‘those kind of people’ (druggies, unemployed moochers, womanizing low lifes and women with such low self esteem they don’t think they deserve any better) in my nice safe almost middle class life. But the high road is also where we are encouraged to reach out and support those who need it. The Christian in me says I should not judge her and make my self available to her.
It could be that she just wants to call me when she is ready to pay me back my five bucks… but somehow I highly doubt it.
I tell her my theory about people who say they want to and are going to commit suicide within earshot of others. Call me cold hearted, but sometimes it’s just a bunch of drama whores looking for attention and playing their cards. ( according to her specific situation of saying she has threatened divorce so many times and they fight all the time and yet still together—so please don’t barrage my comment box with hateful stuff about how I don’t take it seriously) Personally, I think if someone wants to do that, they are going to do it eventually and you can’t be there to baby sit them all the time just because they threaten to do it. People who REALLY want to do it won’t tell anyone, as this would usually tend to prevent them from the freedom to do it. I didn’t get to finish though because she went down the ‘Oh yeah? Well then what do I tell my 4 kids when they say ‘where’s Dad?’ What do I tell his parents when they say ‘Where’s my Son?’ What do I tell….’ etc etc etc.
Sounds like Martyr Syndrome to me.
Had I been able to finish I might have proved my point with a bit more logic and less chill. I wanted to ask her if she called 911. If someone is seriously wanting to kill themselves you call 911 and you get them help. Period. You don’t just go to bed that night and say ‘Don’t ever do that again you stupid ass.’ You get him professional help. And that’s the end of that. No more whiney drama.
So this among other comments and attitudes all equal up to an impression of someone I do not want to know very well. Someone I would not admit to knowing very well if I did. And tonight she asked me for my phone #. Not too keen on this request, so I said ‘ok’ but stayed busy and hoped it would be forgotten about… but also wondering why the heck would she ask for that? Luckily, I still don’t know and don’t really care if it means getting out of it.
And I know I sound like a snob, but I think I probably have more right to be than most because it’s in this kind of lifestyle that I spent most of my life, all the way up to the time of my young marriage. I know it well. I know the magnetism of troubled lives. And how they all seem to gather together and create their own little dramatic world where everybody has a sob story. They feed off of each other, they tangle their lives up with each others and they raise more children to do the same. There are no boundaries… and there is no reasoning or imploring them to seek a better life.. And I honestly don’t know why my life took me in a completely different , much straighter direction. Two men before my husband had asked me to marry them. One I knew was at the very least, an ex druggie, the other a definite pothead. But I still don't think that 'I' would have ended up JUST like them. Deeply entrenched in that world though, absolutely. It’s so odd to think how one choice made, one action not taken, one supposed luck of the draw, could have set my life on an entirely different course.
I know we all have a purpose in this life and I know that some of those purposes might seem so very mundane and minor. We aren’t all meant to speak to the masses and rejuvenate souls and give people purpose… we might just be other people’s stepping stones to a slightly better life. Perhaps the single small domino that sets in motion a much larger chain of events. But by the time they have all fallen and made their intricate pattern come to life… that first domino is long forgotten.
So then I have to wonder… if I have the chance to be some kind of positive influence, shouldn’t I let her in? Am I the Martyr now? It’s a hard position to take…. I know what kind of life she leads. I know I don’t want ‘those kind of people’ (druggies, unemployed moochers, womanizing low lifes and women with such low self esteem they don’t think they deserve any better) in my nice safe almost middle class life. But the high road is also where we are encouraged to reach out and support those who need it. The Christian in me says I should not judge her and make my self available to her.
It could be that she just wants to call me when she is ready to pay me back my five bucks… but somehow I highly doubt it.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
On being 'Numb'...
The drama queen that I am most-definitely-not, always kind of flinched at the concept when someone said they were ‘numb’.
Not that I don’t believe it’s possible to be so, but really? Numb? Totally and completely with out feeling? It seems like such an extreme and likely final state that the avoiderererr and denierererr in me would rather ‘peeshaw’ at then acknowledge the possibility of. Doesn’t sound like anywhere a strong person would end up. Doesn’t sound like anything ANY person would allow to happen to their lives. I certainly wouldn’t give it the power of accepting it’s reality in my life.
Buuatt… I can understand the instinct to shut off the channel through which we receive the things we aren’t equipped to handle. I can understand how a certain specific kind of pain can become exempt from all receptors.
I can say that I’ve experienced one kind of pain more times than one person would be unfortunate to even KNOW about in their lifetime. But I’m not numb.
Notice how I said ‘...more times’?
You might call it desensitized. You might call it self preservation. You might call it denial. You might even call it psychological. I'd just like to call it wisdom. But it’s really not so deep or soul changing as all that. It’s just having been there enough times to know that’s not where I want to be. Still... no where near 'Numb'.
Sounds a lot like denial, but I fully acknowledge that life as I know it has yet again changed. And that love as I knew it, may never be the same. THAT concept… absolutely digs in at me. But I do not dwell on concepts and maybes.
To be numb and not feel life’s pains and hurts is to not feel life’s joys and pleasures either.
My life goes on. I have smiled from ear to ear and I have even laughed. It surprises me sometimes to realize how 'ok' I am, when something reminds me that one would think that I should not be so happy go lucky right now. The loss of explanation at why I’m not a total torn up wreck is a fact that on one hand I am proud of, and on the other– admittedly worrisome over.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be in denial and make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to be cold and hardened. I don’t want to stop loving the way I do.
Though I’ve changed and grown a great deal over the years, I didn’t always accept the possibility of being hurt. I didn’t always give my heart with abandon.
So it seems I’ve come full circle. The love and tenderness that has taken me from where I started, to where I’ve been is the same love that drops me back off here today, contemplating ’Numb.’
Back where I started isn’t such a terrible place to be I guess. And now I know I am capable of forgiveness and probably even some day again, capable of trust.
And I don't feel that I am angry or bitter about any of it. That love will always be my secret treasure. Always.
Perhaps there is some truth to the theory that fresh wounds can be too raw to touch. But aside from the rush of blood to my head and chest, and the anxiety of lost breath that happens about 6 or 7 times a day… I’m still here and participating in life. I don’t think about it all day long until the not being numb part kicks me in the gut and causes me to lose air- litterally. I work. I opperate. I function. No one really knows the possibility of the pain that is out there for me, the sadness that I refuse to let rise. Even though, out of the blue I can't breath. I take a breath. And I go on. No tears unless you count the ones behind my eyes. Three days ago even the hurting-est of a favorite heart wrenching love song was more than tolerable. Today… perhaps I’m beginning to heal. I’m definitely NOT numb. I am more scared to not be than I am of being...but I’m pretty sure I definitely don’t have to worry about becoming numb.
I know I have to look forward only from here on. And everything in the future will be different than the past. That is a given for life in general. So I won’t say it bids foreboding on the love that remains.
I can only say for sure that I will continue to live, no one needs to worry about me.
And I am not gone. I will be here. And that’s all I know.
To be numb and not feel life’s pains and hurts is to not feel life’s joys and pleasures either.
My life goes on. I have smiled from ear to ear and I have even laughed. It surprises me sometimes to realize how 'ok' I am, when something reminds me that one would think that I should not be so happy go lucky right now. The loss of explanation at why I’m not a total torn up wreck is a fact that on one hand I am proud of, and on the other– admittedly worrisome over.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be in denial and make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to be cold and hardened. I don’t want to stop loving the way I do.
Though I’ve changed and grown a great deal over the years, I didn’t always accept the possibility of being hurt. I didn’t always give my heart with abandon.
So it seems I’ve come full circle. The love and tenderness that has taken me from where I started, to where I’ve been is the same love that drops me back off here today, contemplating ’Numb.’
Back where I started isn’t such a terrible place to be I guess. And now I know I am capable of forgiveness and probably even some day again, capable of trust.
And I don't feel that I am angry or bitter about any of it. That love will always be my secret treasure. Always.
Perhaps there is some truth to the theory that fresh wounds can be too raw to touch. But aside from the rush of blood to my head and chest, and the anxiety of lost breath that happens about 6 or 7 times a day… I’m still here and participating in life. I don’t think about it all day long until the not being numb part kicks me in the gut and causes me to lose air- litterally. I work. I opperate. I function. No one really knows the possibility of the pain that is out there for me, the sadness that I refuse to let rise. Even though, out of the blue I can't breath. I take a breath. And I go on. No tears unless you count the ones behind my eyes. Three days ago even the hurting-est of a favorite heart wrenching love song was more than tolerable. Today… perhaps I’m beginning to heal. I’m definitely NOT numb. I am more scared to not be than I am of being...but I’m pretty sure I definitely don’t have to worry about becoming numb.
I know I have to look forward only from here on. And everything in the future will be different than the past. That is a given for life in general. So I won’t say it bids foreboding on the love that remains.
I can only say for sure that I will continue to live, no one needs to worry about me.
And I am not gone. I will be here. And that’s all I know.
NO WORDS
You and I– we breathe from the same heartbeat. We see from behind the same eyes.
We even tell ourselves the same lies.
We think each other’s thoughts and pass back and forth the same burrs. Sometimes there really is no need for words.
That quiet comfort, I could lay in it forever. Our love is so good and pure. Our love is so right.
And sometimes love is blinded by it’s very own light.
It is indescribable—the intimacy that we share. No examples or exaggerations can be used to compare.
Just no words to allude or infer that forever is truly ours.
But then we find ourselves in the here and now– the lonely emptiness which is all that distance will allow.
We find ourselves on our own and left to our own devices. We are often tempted and thus give into to our silly vices.
Reason and logic have escaped our actions. Selfish indulgence fills our satisfactions.
This twisted reality spins and blurs. It takes our breath away and leaves us with no words.
When something is so good, so near perfection… how can there be such rejection?
How can I explain the path that this has taken? How do you explain anything when your senses are shaken? How do you know if you really know anything at all… when you can’t even explain how such a grand love can take such a wasteful fall, and how a love of the ages– now burns in it’s pages.
How do you chase away the clouds when you can only sit and seethe.
How do you share what is in your heart– when you can barely breathe.
How do I tell you what I plan to do and how...If I even knew these things myself, I would surely tell you now.
But I can not even begin to convey the storm within… just as I can not control what occurs...
Because you are right…there really are no words. Red 07-20-08
THE ONLY THING….
Ever since the day we met– I knew I’d never known anyone like you yet.
The days turned into years and you slowly began to quiet my fears. You made me truly believe.
You kissed my soul and all my love and passion you did receive.
Each and every day I lived for us– with the kind of faith and commitment that can only come with trust.
It wasn’t always easy, nor often very hard, even though my shell was tough and my heart was deeply scarred.
You soothed me with your patience and promised me the rest of time. You said that time with me was nothing short of sublime.
Each compliment and promise came out pure and strong. You made it hard for me to doubt where I belong.
Your words were golden, all your gifts true blue. I could never have imagined a day where you didn’t think of me too.
You gave me everything– but the only thing I ever wanted was you.
To know your pain and to stand with you in your rain. To give you my shoulder or to stand beside you to help you feel bolder. To give you my strength and my comfort forever. But you came to me… never.
If you don’t need me, we should let it be. If you don’t want my friendship you can not use my love. It’s about where and if we stand together when push comes to shove.
It’s not the actions that have hurt me so… it’s the arms length to which you make me go.
The knowledge of your lie, is not the reason why…. It’s not the final straw. But if you refuse to need me, this is the line I draw.
It’s hurts me more than any burden I could ever have to hold… so much more than a lie or truth untold…
To know that you don’t think of me when you have a need…. To know that you would make the cut, and leave yourself to bleed. With out letting me know you bought the knife. With out letting me even try to save your life. You would take a stumble off the most wretched cliff and not take my hand when I offer you a lift.
It’s not easy to admit when you need, but a friend who loves you as I do should be entitled to the greed, of being there for you and of being the one…who removes your hand from the loaded gun.
But I’ll never be able to do this, and save you from these metaphors, if you can’t let every part of my love for you through your secret doors.
It hurts so much to not be that special to you, to not be good enough for your trials and tribulations… that you can not share with me your life and all it’s revelations.
If you fear my judgment– then I have no defense, and I can understand your stance... But knowing my love for you is as strong as it is, you should have given it the chance.
But I know now, that I’m not worthy. I know now that I’m not so special as I once thought. And I no longer know for what I have fought.
You can find love in many an arm. You can become beguiled by many a charm. There are all different levels and kinds of bliss and affection that one can share.
But there usually aren’t very many people in one’s life who can truly say they will always… always and forever -be there.
I told you this in every way I could. I asked you to believe in me and I so hoped you would.
But you turned away from my friendship and shunned my faith in you. I guess you didn’t know this was the only thing I couldn’t let you do.
Red 07-19-08
You and I– we breathe from the same heartbeat. We see from behind the same eyes.
We even tell ourselves the same lies.
We think each other’s thoughts and pass back and forth the same burrs. Sometimes there really is no need for words.
That quiet comfort, I could lay in it forever. Our love is so good and pure. Our love is so right.
And sometimes love is blinded by it’s very own light.
It is indescribable—the intimacy that we share. No examples or exaggerations can be used to compare.
Just no words to allude or infer that forever is truly ours.
But then we find ourselves in the here and now– the lonely emptiness which is all that distance will allow.
We find ourselves on our own and left to our own devices. We are often tempted and thus give into to our silly vices.
Reason and logic have escaped our actions. Selfish indulgence fills our satisfactions.
This twisted reality spins and blurs. It takes our breath away and leaves us with no words.
When something is so good, so near perfection… how can there be such rejection?
How can I explain the path that this has taken? How do you explain anything when your senses are shaken? How do you know if you really know anything at all… when you can’t even explain how such a grand love can take such a wasteful fall, and how a love of the ages– now burns in it’s pages.
How do you chase away the clouds when you can only sit and seethe.
How do you share what is in your heart– when you can barely breathe.
How do I tell you what I plan to do and how...If I even knew these things myself, I would surely tell you now.
But I can not even begin to convey the storm within… just as I can not control what occurs...
Because you are right…there really are no words. Red 07-20-08
THE ONLY THING….
Ever since the day we met– I knew I’d never known anyone like you yet.
The days turned into years and you slowly began to quiet my fears. You made me truly believe.
You kissed my soul and all my love and passion you did receive.
Each and every day I lived for us– with the kind of faith and commitment that can only come with trust.
It wasn’t always easy, nor often very hard, even though my shell was tough and my heart was deeply scarred.
You soothed me with your patience and promised me the rest of time. You said that time with me was nothing short of sublime.
Each compliment and promise came out pure and strong. You made it hard for me to doubt where I belong.
Your words were golden, all your gifts true blue. I could never have imagined a day where you didn’t think of me too.
You gave me everything– but the only thing I ever wanted was you.
To know your pain and to stand with you in your rain. To give you my shoulder or to stand beside you to help you feel bolder. To give you my strength and my comfort forever. But you came to me… never.
If you don’t need me, we should let it be. If you don’t want my friendship you can not use my love. It’s about where and if we stand together when push comes to shove.
It’s not the actions that have hurt me so… it’s the arms length to which you make me go.
The knowledge of your lie, is not the reason why…. It’s not the final straw. But if you refuse to need me, this is the line I draw.
It’s hurts me more than any burden I could ever have to hold… so much more than a lie or truth untold…
To know that you don’t think of me when you have a need…. To know that you would make the cut, and leave yourself to bleed. With out letting me know you bought the knife. With out letting me even try to save your life. You would take a stumble off the most wretched cliff and not take my hand when I offer you a lift.
It’s not easy to admit when you need, but a friend who loves you as I do should be entitled to the greed, of being there for you and of being the one…who removes your hand from the loaded gun.
But I’ll never be able to do this, and save you from these metaphors, if you can’t let every part of my love for you through your secret doors.
It hurts so much to not be that special to you, to not be good enough for your trials and tribulations… that you can not share with me your life and all it’s revelations.
If you fear my judgment– then I have no defense, and I can understand your stance... But knowing my love for you is as strong as it is, you should have given it the chance.
But I know now, that I’m not worthy. I know now that I’m not so special as I once thought. And I no longer know for what I have fought.
You can find love in many an arm. You can become beguiled by many a charm. There are all different levels and kinds of bliss and affection that one can share.
But there usually aren’t very many people in one’s life who can truly say they will always… always and forever -be there.
I told you this in every way I could. I asked you to believe in me and I so hoped you would.
But you turned away from my friendship and shunned my faith in you. I guess you didn’t know this was the only thing I couldn’t let you do.
Red 07-19-08
Friday, July 18, 2008
Waxing poetic
A LOVER'S FRIENDSHIP
For everything that you have given me, for the most joyous of joys I’ve ever known…
How can I thank you for all the love you have shown?
How can I tell you with words so tattered and torn…
How can I utter the sound when the recording is ragged and worn?
For I’ve said it so very many times, how much I love you so.
I’ve said it in a million ways just because it’s so important that you know.
Still you resist the ultimate connection, you deny yourself a friend’s affection.
But love is not just a beaming reflection, stronger than normal feelings, or even a hearts resurrection. Love is the essence of life, the open arms of a friend. Love is unconditional to the very end.
Angry when hurt, disapproving and curt… yes even love can get carried away. It can think it knows better and threaten to walk out and stay.
But you can only know what’s real, and only know what’s true, if you let love be there like the friend who will always want to.
You may not like what it has to say, when it says it and in what way. But the friendship that comes of love, is still there for you every single lonely rainy day.
Love is not just passion, lust or desire. Love lives by friendships undying fire.
Come to my hearth and let me hold you. Let the arms of friendship unfold for you. Take me at my word, so many times told to you….
Share with me your friendship that I so deeply desire. Let me be a friend so our love can fly higher. Red 07-18-08
I THINK ABOUT YOU.
I think about you and wait to see if I’m still mad. I think about us and wait to see if I begin to feel sad.
I think about the pain that I never wanted. I think about the joy you brought me and how now, it will surely be stunted.
I think about ‘if you could only see me now!’, but it hurts me to hurt you and that I can’t allow.
I think about what we’ll miss and I think about how we both can kiss, and kiss…. and kiss.
I think I’m going to be ok and I think my expectations have all fallen away. I think I know I don’t know you after all and I think how you
refuse to know me… I think I can live with what ever will be…. will be.
I think I feel strong and I think I’m being smart.
But I think I’m just numb in the heart.
Red 07-18-08
For everything that you have given me, for the most joyous of joys I’ve ever known…
How can I thank you for all the love you have shown?
How can I tell you with words so tattered and torn…
How can I utter the sound when the recording is ragged and worn?
For I’ve said it so very many times, how much I love you so.
I’ve said it in a million ways just because it’s so important that you know.
Still you resist the ultimate connection, you deny yourself a friend’s affection.
But love is not just a beaming reflection, stronger than normal feelings, or even a hearts resurrection. Love is the essence of life, the open arms of a friend. Love is unconditional to the very end.
Angry when hurt, disapproving and curt… yes even love can get carried away. It can think it knows better and threaten to walk out and stay.
But you can only know what’s real, and only know what’s true, if you let love be there like the friend who will always want to.
You may not like what it has to say, when it says it and in what way. But the friendship that comes of love, is still there for you every single lonely rainy day.
Love is not just passion, lust or desire. Love lives by friendships undying fire.
Come to my hearth and let me hold you. Let the arms of friendship unfold for you. Take me at my word, so many times told to you….
Share with me your friendship that I so deeply desire. Let me be a friend so our love can fly higher. Red 07-18-08
I THINK ABOUT YOU.
I think about you and wait to see if I’m still mad. I think about us and wait to see if I begin to feel sad.
I think about the pain that I never wanted. I think about the joy you brought me and how now, it will surely be stunted.
I think about ‘if you could only see me now!’, but it hurts me to hurt you and that I can’t allow.
I think about what we’ll miss and I think about how we both can kiss, and kiss…. and kiss.
I think I’m going to be ok and I think my expectations have all fallen away. I think I know I don’t know you after all and I think how you
refuse to know me… I think I can live with what ever will be…. will be.
I think I feel strong and I think I’m being smart.
But I think I’m just numb in the heart.
Red 07-18-08
Monday, June 30, 2008
Is it just me? The first of many social questions.
I consider myself a very accomodating person... a very calm collected person... a very reasonable and empathetic person.
Why does it bother me so much that my new neighbors take shortcuts on my property???!!!
We have a what we call a 'circle through' driveway, two entrances with a long driveway attatched that runs along side and between our house... and the neighbors. But 90% is ours. Local property laws however, insist on a 6 ft leeway between properties ... or something to the effect. No permament barrier is allowed here for our building and local codes. We wouldn't want to build a fence anyhow because we really are nice people and this would completely take away any semblance of a driveway for them, and it would just be in OUR way as well, should we need to drive up to the garage out back.
BUT...their tween and teen age kids would rather walk 5 ft from my front steps, past three windows and right up against and sometimes in between two vehicles of ours, rather than continue on up the sidewalk 30 more feet. But it's still just as far if they cut across my front driveway. Ok, maybe it's more like 28 feet with their 'short cut'. Even the adults do it. It's bad enough they have car washing parties in the driveway between our house and sit their not-so-skinny-butts on my heat pump unit while they hang out right outside my kitchen window... on my property. Up against my house. ON my air conditioner. But now, they are having people DRIVE THROUGH my driveway to pick up and drop off said tweens and teens.
Is it just me?
I was raised by parents who demanded respect. They didn't always deserve it, but it was expected, and they got it. And that went for all adults as well. I don't even recall ever being told exactly to, 'Respect your elders.' or 'Respect other people's property/space.' It just seems like something you should KNOW. It's a given. It's so stinkin' simplistic. When I walk somewhere with my sister and her brood, I am adamant about making sure they stay off people's lawns. It's just the polite way to be. Right? I say, 'Who lives here? Do you live here? No? Oooh, then we better keep our feet where it's ok to walk.' It seems I've been a good influence as I've since heard her take on the concept herself and actually care to enforce it on her own. Go figure.
But why have we lost the respect for space at all these days? I don't know if it is an extension of the 'personal bubble' of space that a lot of people are most comfortable with, or if it is really that deeply grounded in straight up r-e-s-p-e-c-t. I think I definitely have issues with both! Because this just reeeeallly bugs me! But I'm not petty. I will not be petty! I will not SAY anything to them about it... no matter how much I want to. I'll rack my brain and try to find ways to personalize my property. I will post one of those 'my-son-made-this-in-shop-class-and-we-want-to-make-him-feel-proud-so-we-will-display-this-The Fockers-sign-forever-' wooden slabs with burnt on writing. I will put mini gates on each side of the driveway. I will extend a planting island beyond the corner of my house and out into the driveway for space definition... because it's MY driveway and I can. I will also trim the pine tree that overhangs the sidewalk- as I tell myself this is the only reason they shortcut. I will shroud the front edge of my property with tall plantings so that when you enter onto my property you are entering INTO my property. I will open my curtains more often and make my presence known. Heck.. I may even paint my mail box all funky and weird.
That's it! I'll become the weirdo next door they want to avoid!
Wait... I am already the weirdo next door who avoids them.
So I'm not as social as they are. So what if I hardly come outside and don't have visitors very often. I LIKE it that way. That's right... not too many visitors. Don't ask me why I have a circle through driveway... it came with the house.
But you don't have one. So stop using mine and get over it!
Is it just me?
Why does it bother me so much that my new neighbors take shortcuts on my property???!!!
We have a what we call a 'circle through' driveway, two entrances with a long driveway attatched that runs along side and between our house... and the neighbors. But 90% is ours. Local property laws however, insist on a 6 ft leeway between properties ... or something to the effect. No permament barrier is allowed here for our building and local codes. We wouldn't want to build a fence anyhow because we really are nice people and this would completely take away any semblance of a driveway for them, and it would just be in OUR way as well, should we need to drive up to the garage out back.
BUT...their tween and teen age kids would rather walk 5 ft from my front steps, past three windows and right up against and sometimes in between two vehicles of ours, rather than continue on up the sidewalk 30 more feet. But it's still just as far if they cut across my front driveway. Ok, maybe it's more like 28 feet with their 'short cut'. Even the adults do it. It's bad enough they have car washing parties in the driveway between our house and sit their not-so-skinny-butts on my heat pump unit while they hang out right outside my kitchen window... on my property. Up against my house. ON my air conditioner. But now, they are having people DRIVE THROUGH my driveway to pick up and drop off said tweens and teens.
Is it just me?
I was raised by parents who demanded respect. They didn't always deserve it, but it was expected, and they got it. And that went for all adults as well. I don't even recall ever being told exactly to, 'Respect your elders.' or 'Respect other people's property/space.' It just seems like something you should KNOW. It's a given. It's so stinkin' simplistic. When I walk somewhere with my sister and her brood, I am adamant about making sure they stay off people's lawns. It's just the polite way to be. Right? I say, 'Who lives here? Do you live here? No? Oooh, then we better keep our feet where it's ok to walk.' It seems I've been a good influence as I've since heard her take on the concept herself and actually care to enforce it on her own. Go figure.
But why have we lost the respect for space at all these days? I don't know if it is an extension of the 'personal bubble' of space that a lot of people are most comfortable with, or if it is really that deeply grounded in straight up r-e-s-p-e-c-t. I think I definitely have issues with both! Because this just reeeeallly bugs me! But I'm not petty. I will not be petty! I will not SAY anything to them about it... no matter how much I want to. I'll rack my brain and try to find ways to personalize my property. I will post one of those 'my-son-made-this-in-shop-class-and-we-want-to-make-him-feel-proud-so-we-will-display-this-The Fockers-sign-forever-' wooden slabs with burnt on writing. I will put mini gates on each side of the driveway. I will extend a planting island beyond the corner of my house and out into the driveway for space definition... because it's MY driveway and I can. I will also trim the pine tree that overhangs the sidewalk- as I tell myself this is the only reason they shortcut. I will shroud the front edge of my property with tall plantings so that when you enter onto my property you are entering INTO my property. I will open my curtains more often and make my presence known. Heck.. I may even paint my mail box all funky and weird.
That's it! I'll become the weirdo next door they want to avoid!
Wait... I am already the weirdo next door who avoids them.
So I'm not as social as they are. So what if I hardly come outside and don't have visitors very often. I LIKE it that way. That's right... not too many visitors. Don't ask me why I have a circle through driveway... it came with the house.
But you don't have one. So stop using mine and get over it!
Is it just me?
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thank you Worddemon...
Since it had been a while that I started this blog, and have not been very active as of late... I decided to see what would happen if I Googled my site...
Lo and behold! A perfect stranger did a review of Inmyredhead and commented about it on her site. She called it 'Mindcandy'. :-D ... and I'm on a sugar rush! What a compliment. Maybe I'm too easily complimented... but hey- 'Mindcandy' is waaaaaaay above 'Mindrot'.
Thank you again, Mrs. Worddemon @ worddemon.stumbleupon.com
:-D
Lo and behold! A perfect stranger did a review of Inmyredhead and commented about it on her site. She called it 'Mindcandy'. :-D ... and I'm on a sugar rush! What a compliment. Maybe I'm too easily complimented... but hey- 'Mindcandy' is waaaaaaay above 'Mindrot'.
Thank you again, Mrs. Worddemon @ worddemon.stumbleupon.com
:-D
Thanks for not caring...Red's blogging irony
I was recently asked by a co-worker if I had a 'My Space' page. I informed her that no I did not... to which she replied, 'You should get a My Space Page.'
Is this true?
I'm kind of lost on the whole concept, but I think maybe it's my age/generation. I dunno. Also, it seems kind of impersonal to hand out a website address to a new acquaintance. I've always figured that a new friend would come around often enough to see your photo albums under the coffee table. Or join you at family get togethers where they hear all the really great stories. Or stay up late on many occasion and listen to you talk about yourself. Passing out a website address is kind of like skipping all that important bonding.
The only other purpose it would seem to serve is to help people judge you. Not that my new work acquaintance had that intention in mind... She is one of the few who are genuinely interested in the 'person' behind the uniform... but putting it all out there for the sole purpose of people to know about you, is really setting yourself up for critique and criticism by those who would in fact stoop to such behaviors as looking up someone's My Space page for the sole purpose of a snicker fest.
Here in lies the great irony of this very blog that I am typing on right now. I have a friend whose opinions and perceptions mean the world to me, whom I respect highly. This person does not understand my need to write about my miserable childhood and what ever else I chose to share about randomly. The idea of total strangers knowing such intimate details of my life, is not one they fully understand. If at all.
On the surface, the concept of not letting strangers know about your life makes complete sense... but dig a little deeper and do a bit of comparing. If my new friend at work came to read this before REALLY getting to know me- what might she think of the baggage I carry? Can I speak freely about what I think were my Parents' ill conceived ways, if they knew this blog existed? Will I ever be able to rant of my frustrations in regards to my little sister and her six kids from three 'baby-daddy's'? Will my very Christian big sis approve of my music choices? Will my best friend THINK someone ELSE i'm ranting about- is actually them? How can any thing be accomplished in the no holds barred way that I hope this to be, if I have to watch my P's & Q's and consider other's feelings... the way one does when they are in a personal conversation... the way any decent person would treat another. But- I'm not here to build relationships. I'm here to express myself. How do those two scenarios meet with out getting someone's feathers ruffled at some point down the road? I have no intention of being mean. Sometimes there are a myraid of feelings and thoughts bouncing around inside and it really helps to sort them to an 'audience' so to speak. In a way that is coherent enough for a perfect stranger to understand... and that in turn can make things crystal clear to ME! I'm an emotional person I guess... a passionate and sometimes conflicted, confounded, convicted person...I need to express myself. Call it ranting, pissing and moaning... whatever you like. We should all do it sometimes! You don't know me and I don't know you... so I don't care. And you don't care if I don't care.
See how lovely that works?
So the fact that I speak from this soap box, to you... perfect strangers- what harm could you do with any of the info shared? Who are you going to tell? (Who are you going to tell that matters in MY LIFE?) If you don't like what I have to say or how I say it... you'll just not come back. And we'll be obliviously happy in our OWN little worlds. No harm. No foul. No repercussions. Why would anyone care what a stranger thinks over what close friends and not-so-close-but-that-you-have-to-work-with-everyday-associates think? THAT, I do not see the logic in.
Perhaps that's just me. And I've been known to have strange ideas. It won't be the first you hear of on this blog...
And that's a promise I make to you... because you are so very not invested enough to really give a flying hoot about how strange my ideas can get!
'Sall good.
Is this true?
I'm kind of lost on the whole concept, but I think maybe it's my age/generation. I dunno. Also, it seems kind of impersonal to hand out a website address to a new acquaintance. I've always figured that a new friend would come around often enough to see your photo albums under the coffee table. Or join you at family get togethers where they hear all the really great stories. Or stay up late on many occasion and listen to you talk about yourself. Passing out a website address is kind of like skipping all that important bonding.
The only other purpose it would seem to serve is to help people judge you. Not that my new work acquaintance had that intention in mind... She is one of the few who are genuinely interested in the 'person' behind the uniform... but putting it all out there for the sole purpose of people to know about you, is really setting yourself up for critique and criticism by those who would in fact stoop to such behaviors as looking up someone's My Space page for the sole purpose of a snicker fest.
Here in lies the great irony of this very blog that I am typing on right now. I have a friend whose opinions and perceptions mean the world to me, whom I respect highly. This person does not understand my need to write about my miserable childhood and what ever else I chose to share about randomly. The idea of total strangers knowing such intimate details of my life, is not one they fully understand. If at all.
On the surface, the concept of not letting strangers know about your life makes complete sense... but dig a little deeper and do a bit of comparing. If my new friend at work came to read this before REALLY getting to know me- what might she think of the baggage I carry? Can I speak freely about what I think were my Parents' ill conceived ways, if they knew this blog existed? Will I ever be able to rant of my frustrations in regards to my little sister and her six kids from three 'baby-daddy's'? Will my very Christian big sis approve of my music choices? Will my best friend THINK someone ELSE i'm ranting about- is actually them? How can any thing be accomplished in the no holds barred way that I hope this to be, if I have to watch my P's & Q's and consider other's feelings... the way one does when they are in a personal conversation... the way any decent person would treat another. But- I'm not here to build relationships. I'm here to express myself. How do those two scenarios meet with out getting someone's feathers ruffled at some point down the road? I have no intention of being mean. Sometimes there are a myraid of feelings and thoughts bouncing around inside and it really helps to sort them to an 'audience' so to speak. In a way that is coherent enough for a perfect stranger to understand... and that in turn can make things crystal clear to ME! I'm an emotional person I guess... a passionate and sometimes conflicted, confounded, convicted person...I need to express myself. Call it ranting, pissing and moaning... whatever you like. We should all do it sometimes! You don't know me and I don't know you... so I don't care. And you don't care if I don't care.
See how lovely that works?
So the fact that I speak from this soap box, to you... perfect strangers- what harm could you do with any of the info shared? Who are you going to tell? (Who are you going to tell that matters in MY LIFE?) If you don't like what I have to say or how I say it... you'll just not come back. And we'll be obliviously happy in our OWN little worlds. No harm. No foul. No repercussions. Why would anyone care what a stranger thinks over what close friends and not-so-close-but-that-you-have-to-work-with-everyday-associates think? THAT, I do not see the logic in.
Perhaps that's just me. And I've been known to have strange ideas. It won't be the first you hear of on this blog...
And that's a promise I make to you... because you are so very not invested enough to really give a flying hoot about how strange my ideas can get!
'Sall good.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Fatherless Father's Day
Father's Day is approaching and I once again find myself absorbed in the quest to find the perfect gift for my husband - who is for some reason the only father I think about this time of year.
Well, ok, 'For SOME reason' isn't exactly a true statement. I know the reason. I just find it strange how I spend weeks researching and delved into this quest for my daughters father, but completely forget to even think about how I don't plan on getting anything for my real father; and then there's my Mother's new husband. Yes, he's been around for about 20 yrs. Nineteen of which I was not living at home anymore. Mom says we are in his will... as though we were his own, therefor we should 'make him feel good' and send mushy untrue cards about how great of a 'Dad' he is. I have nothing against the guy. But he has NEVER... EVER... EVER played the role of father figure to me. He just never had the opportunity. I was simply too old already when their relationship was new. I hate sending fake sentiments. I appreciate him putting up with my Mom... but he's not my Dad. He's a great guy. But he's not my Dad.
I don't have a Dad. My real father has done many things that would cause a person to disown him. But it wasn't the abuses or the ruined lives he created that causes me to forget about him on Father's Day. It was his own disowning of us. Five kids- whom he no longer wanted to claim. His reason? Telling a new woman about us would mean having to explain his divorce and what he did to us. There was no argument... no deep seated hurt feelings on his side... just pure unadulterated selfishness. So that any of his girlfriends would not know the way he treats women and children. He now is trying to start up a porn site and seems to have no shame... but God forbid anyone know about his past life.
Have you ever wished you could slap a big red non removeable label on someone to warn others?
He still keeps in touch with my Mom, and though he's never retracted his claim to not claim us, or made personal apologies, he asks her about us and seems to act as though he never said it. She says he only said those things out of anger because one of my brothers made a reference to a then girlfriend of my real father's, regarding some details he hadn't told her, causing her to leave. But I don't care what his reasons were. It was said. More importantly, it was felt. You do not say such things with out really deeply feeling it and meaning it. Even if it was only at the time... I don't want a father who's EVER felt that for his children. Period.
The limbo that this creates- his comment, his supposed change of heart, Mom sticking up for him about it, still talking to him, him not appologising or retracting... life seeming to go on... it's the most senseless thing to me and I want no part of it. Obviously we weren't close before hand. And now, why do I care even as much as I do enough so that it still bother's me that he could want to disown us and pretend we don't exist. As though you can just wipe the slate clean and remove 5 offspring from your existence. I can't really pinpoint what bothers me most about it. Maybe it's that I can't find enough hatred and anger in me to hate him and make it all that much easier to deal with. But I don't love him either. I guess i'm not really a gray area kind of person, and yet I doubt I will ever know what it feels like to hate anyone... that's just not who I am. It isn't in me. So he skates by in life and we all just have to learn to accept things as they are. No reprocussions. No lessons learned. And this is why it's easiest for me to just conveniently 'forget' that he ever held the title 'Dad'. I can't even say 'Well i'm not getting ANYTHING for HIM!' It just doesn't even enter my mind enough to pretend to hate him. Numb is a strange way to feel, but I have to admit, it works on rare occasions.
Well, ok, 'For SOME reason' isn't exactly a true statement. I know the reason. I just find it strange how I spend weeks researching and delved into this quest for my daughters father, but completely forget to even think about how I don't plan on getting anything for my real father; and then there's my Mother's new husband. Yes, he's been around for about 20 yrs. Nineteen of which I was not living at home anymore. Mom says we are in his will... as though we were his own, therefor we should 'make him feel good' and send mushy untrue cards about how great of a 'Dad' he is. I have nothing against the guy. But he has NEVER... EVER... EVER played the role of father figure to me. He just never had the opportunity. I was simply too old already when their relationship was new. I hate sending fake sentiments. I appreciate him putting up with my Mom... but he's not my Dad. He's a great guy. But he's not my Dad.
I don't have a Dad. My real father has done many things that would cause a person to disown him. But it wasn't the abuses or the ruined lives he created that causes me to forget about him on Father's Day. It was his own disowning of us. Five kids- whom he no longer wanted to claim. His reason? Telling a new woman about us would mean having to explain his divorce and what he did to us. There was no argument... no deep seated hurt feelings on his side... just pure unadulterated selfishness. So that any of his girlfriends would not know the way he treats women and children. He now is trying to start up a porn site and seems to have no shame... but God forbid anyone know about his past life.
Have you ever wished you could slap a big red non removeable label on someone to warn others?
He still keeps in touch with my Mom, and though he's never retracted his claim to not claim us, or made personal apologies, he asks her about us and seems to act as though he never said it. She says he only said those things out of anger because one of my brothers made a reference to a then girlfriend of my real father's, regarding some details he hadn't told her, causing her to leave. But I don't care what his reasons were. It was said. More importantly, it was felt. You do not say such things with out really deeply feeling it and meaning it. Even if it was only at the time... I don't want a father who's EVER felt that for his children. Period.
The limbo that this creates- his comment, his supposed change of heart, Mom sticking up for him about it, still talking to him, him not appologising or retracting... life seeming to go on... it's the most senseless thing to me and I want no part of it. Obviously we weren't close before hand. And now, why do I care even as much as I do enough so that it still bother's me that he could want to disown us and pretend we don't exist. As though you can just wipe the slate clean and remove 5 offspring from your existence. I can't really pinpoint what bothers me most about it. Maybe it's that I can't find enough hatred and anger in me to hate him and make it all that much easier to deal with. But I don't love him either. I guess i'm not really a gray area kind of person, and yet I doubt I will ever know what it feels like to hate anyone... that's just not who I am. It isn't in me. So he skates by in life and we all just have to learn to accept things as they are. No reprocussions. No lessons learned. And this is why it's easiest for me to just conveniently 'forget' that he ever held the title 'Dad'. I can't even say 'Well i'm not getting ANYTHING for HIM!' It just doesn't even enter my mind enough to pretend to hate him. Numb is a strange way to feel, but I have to admit, it works on rare occasions.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Red's feeling the love...
Tonight I'm feeling very mellow, calm and um... I dare say sappy. I've finally filled up my music player so I'll share some of the more meaningful ones that I have been able to dig up.
God Blessed the Broken Road: Rascal Flats- This one is a favorite because it says that no matter how many relationships you went through so far, that ultimately there is someone that is your final destination, and that you can love that someone as much as you have ever loved anyone and be justified in doing so because the union is blessed & meant to be. Sometimes relationships are born of rocky or not so ideal circumstances. But regardless of how it came to be, it is. And you can take comfort in knowing that it was meant to be because the path was already laid out before us so that we could end up in the same place, and ultimately with the right person. I'm one of those who beleive that everything happens for a reason, so this fits in with that very well! Favorite lines: I think about the years I spent just passing through. I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you. But you just smile and take my hand, you've been there, you understand. It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true. Every long lost dream, led me to where you are. Other's who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars. Pointing me on my way into your loving arms... this much I know is true... that God blessed the broken road that let me straight to you.
I'll Always Return: Bryan Adams -Since I couldn't locate 'I'll Always Come Back' by K.T. Oslin, I settled for this one. The same promise goes way back many many... many years. When I first started using AOL to go on line and chat I had many friends who would tease me for having so many differnt aol names because I'd loose my account and start a new one over and over again. One particular incident I knew was coming, but I only had a chance to warn one person that i'd be offline for a week or so. Boy did I hear about it from a certain other person, that they did not get the warning as well and when I did not come around as usual they thought I was permamently gone. This completely suprised me because far as I was concerned... there are just certain friends that one would never ever EVER not come back to. So I dedicate this to them. Favorite Lines: The sparks of the fire, a flame that still burns, oh it's to you i'll always return...I can't stand the distance, I can't dream alone, I can't wait to see you, yes I'm on my way home.
Please Forgive Me: Yet another Bryan Adams title, this will always be one of the greatest love songs for that long lasting love that only gets better with time. The kind of love that's electric and chemical, deep and connected, which never fades or forgets what it was like in the beginning because it's still just as wonderful. And sometimes when love is that strong, one tends to go overboard wanting to express it, not to mention the patheticism that comes from it. Favorite lines: First time our eyes met, same feeling I get. Only feels much stronger, wanna love you longer, you still turn the fire on....I only wanna make it good, so if I love ya, a little more than I should- please forgive me. I know not what I do. Please forgive me I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through, please forgive me I need you like I do. Please beleive it, every word I say is true. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Still feels like, our best times are together... feels like the first touch, still getting closer baby, can't get close enough. Still holding on, still no1. I remember the smell of your skin, I remember everything, I remember all your moves... I remember you. I remember the nights... you know I still do.
Aw heck, why don't I just type out the entire lyrics!
To Make You Feel My Love: Billy Joel-
This has got to be one of the best. One of my ultimate, absolute favorites at least. You just can't go wrong with the power behind these lines: ...I know you haven't made your mind up yet, I would never do you wrong, I've known it from the moment that we met, no doubt in my mind where you belong.. I'd go hungry id go black and blue... i'd go crawling down the avenue... there's nothing that i wouldn't do, to make you feel my love. The storms are raging on the rolling sea, and on the hiways of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free... you ain't seen nothing like me yet. I could make you happy... make your dreams come true. There's nothing that I would not do. Go to the ends of the earth for you... to make you feel my love. <<> Exuse me while I hit replay about a million times...
God Blessed the Broken Road: Rascal Flats- This one is a favorite because it says that no matter how many relationships you went through so far, that ultimately there is someone that is your final destination, and that you can love that someone as much as you have ever loved anyone and be justified in doing so because the union is blessed & meant to be. Sometimes relationships are born of rocky or not so ideal circumstances. But regardless of how it came to be, it is. And you can take comfort in knowing that it was meant to be because the path was already laid out before us so that we could end up in the same place, and ultimately with the right person. I'm one of those who beleive that everything happens for a reason, so this fits in with that very well! Favorite lines: I think about the years I spent just passing through. I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you. But you just smile and take my hand, you've been there, you understand. It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true. Every long lost dream, led me to where you are. Other's who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars. Pointing me on my way into your loving arms... this much I know is true... that God blessed the broken road that let me straight to you.
I'll Always Return: Bryan Adams -Since I couldn't locate 'I'll Always Come Back' by K.T. Oslin, I settled for this one. The same promise goes way back many many... many years. When I first started using AOL to go on line and chat I had many friends who would tease me for having so many differnt aol names because I'd loose my account and start a new one over and over again. One particular incident I knew was coming, but I only had a chance to warn one person that i'd be offline for a week or so. Boy did I hear about it from a certain other person, that they did not get the warning as well and when I did not come around as usual they thought I was permamently gone. This completely suprised me because far as I was concerned... there are just certain friends that one would never ever EVER not come back to. So I dedicate this to them. Favorite Lines: The sparks of the fire, a flame that still burns, oh it's to you i'll always return...I can't stand the distance, I can't dream alone, I can't wait to see you, yes I'm on my way home.
Please Forgive Me: Yet another Bryan Adams title, this will always be one of the greatest love songs for that long lasting love that only gets better with time. The kind of love that's electric and chemical, deep and connected, which never fades or forgets what it was like in the beginning because it's still just as wonderful. And sometimes when love is that strong, one tends to go overboard wanting to express it, not to mention the patheticism that comes from it. Favorite lines: First time our eyes met, same feeling I get. Only feels much stronger, wanna love you longer, you still turn the fire on....I only wanna make it good, so if I love ya, a little more than I should- please forgive me. I know not what I do. Please forgive me I can't stop loving you. Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through, please forgive me I need you like I do. Please beleive it, every word I say is true. Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you. Still feels like, our best times are together... feels like the first touch, still getting closer baby, can't get close enough. Still holding on, still no1. I remember the smell of your skin, I remember everything, I remember all your moves... I remember you. I remember the nights... you know I still do.
Aw heck, why don't I just type out the entire lyrics!
To Make You Feel My Love: Billy Joel-
This has got to be one of the best. One of my ultimate, absolute favorites at least. You just can't go wrong with the power behind these lines: ...I know you haven't made your mind up yet, I would never do you wrong, I've known it from the moment that we met, no doubt in my mind where you belong.. I'd go hungry id go black and blue... i'd go crawling down the avenue... there's nothing that i wouldn't do, to make you feel my love. The storms are raging on the rolling sea, and on the hiways of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free... you ain't seen nothing like me yet. I could make you happy... make your dreams come true. There's nothing that I would not do. Go to the ends of the earth for you... to make you feel my love. <<
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
If this is true.....
Tell me whom you love, and I will tell you who you are.
-Houssaye
... Then man I am awesome!
-Houssaye
... Then man I am awesome!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Musical Red 2
It's been interesting searching for and finding all this music on my play list. It seems that often times the version I grew up with, and assumed to be the original and only is in fact not. I'm not sure exactly what the difference is always, but sometimes it seems as though it was a re-release. Same person/group, but quite a different sound. For instance, the Dr. Hook 'A Little Bit More' song would be an example of this. It's not how 'I' remember it, but it is the same song none the less. And ofcourse, I like the other way better. Dr. Hook is a great bygone band with mostly 'fun' songs about naughty stuff but this one, 'A Little Bit More' is a truly beautiful song... about naughty stuff. Quite tame though, with the overall theme being these lyircs: 'When your body's had enough of me, and I'm laying flat out on the floor... when you think I've loved you all I can, I'm gonna love you a little bit more.' And 'I've got to say a few thing's that have been on my mind, and you know where my mind has been...' -- I know what you are thinking. But put it to the music of this song and that's the different between making love & sex!
Another favorite I'd like to share is 'Sailing' by Rod Stewart. Now, no matter what anyone says about the guy- he's got pipes. (Maybe that was a bad analogy... anyhoo...) I happen to be a complete fan. If you have ever loved someone from afar, or spent any extended amount of time away from the one you love, you will probably be able to relate to this song. 'Sailing' to me, refers to how the heart can travel. It speaks of the 'journey' over a seemingly endless expanse of time and distance. This is a very singable song with smooth easy lyrics such as "I am sailing, I am sailing, home again 'cross the sea. I am sailing, stormy waters, to be near you, to be free.' And 'Can you hear me, can you hear me thro' the dark night, far away, I am dying, forever trying, to be with you, who can say.' It even ends as though all the previous was actually a hymn. So I could even share it with my very religious sister who loves music but will only listen to Christian stuff!
And since I just shared that one, I'll share another really big favorite by Rod Stewert called 'Never Give Up On A Dream'. I love the lyrics in this song because they really put each individual in the driver's seat to their own destiny, success, etc with lyrics like. 'Claim the road, touch the sun, No force on earth could stop you run. When your heart bursts like the sun, Never never give up on a dream... you don't need no restrictions-you can't live on sympathy. You just need to go the distance,oh the distance-that's all you need to be free.' I love this song mostly because I'm all for personal responsibility and choosing to not be a victim of your own life.If you are also a fan, but haven't looked real deep into his other music, I recommend you give a listen to his version of 'Sometimes when we touch', and ' *The first cut is the deepest' - which was actually his way before Sheryl Crow knew she could even sing. *(not on my play list)
Another favorite I'd like to share is 'Sailing' by Rod Stewart. Now, no matter what anyone says about the guy- he's got pipes. (Maybe that was a bad analogy... anyhoo...) I happen to be a complete fan. If you have ever loved someone from afar, or spent any extended amount of time away from the one you love, you will probably be able to relate to this song. 'Sailing' to me, refers to how the heart can travel. It speaks of the 'journey' over a seemingly endless expanse of time and distance. This is a very singable song with smooth easy lyrics such as "I am sailing, I am sailing, home again 'cross the sea. I am sailing, stormy waters, to be near you, to be free.' And 'Can you hear me, can you hear me thro' the dark night, far away, I am dying, forever trying, to be with you, who can say.' It even ends as though all the previous was actually a hymn. So I could even share it with my very religious sister who loves music but will only listen to Christian stuff!
And since I just shared that one, I'll share another really big favorite by Rod Stewert called 'Never Give Up On A Dream'. I love the lyrics in this song because they really put each individual in the driver's seat to their own destiny, success, etc with lyrics like. 'Claim the road, touch the sun, No force on earth could stop you run. When your heart bursts like the sun, Never never give up on a dream... you don't need no restrictions-you can't live on sympathy. You just need to go the distance,oh the distance-that's all you need to be free.' I love this song mostly because I'm all for personal responsibility and choosing to not be a victim of your own life.If you are also a fan, but haven't looked real deep into his other music, I recommend you give a listen to his version of 'Sometimes when we touch', and ' *The first cut is the deepest' - which was actually his way before Sheryl Crow knew she could even sing. *(not on my play list)
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Red Does 'Research'
I'm sitting here next to a stack of notebooks. (I have this weird fetish with having to have one for everything.) Problem is I don't really get around to labeling them, and no matter how many I have I can't ever seem to find one when I need it, so I just grab whichever is near.
I thought it might be fun to dig up an old poem, and no matter what the notebook was SUPPOSED to be for, there is bound to be one or a dozen poems with in the pages of any one of them.
So I pick one up just now and wouldn't you know it, it just happens to be the one I've been using for work.
WORK. Blah. I didn't want to be reminded that I have WORK to do!
Now I have guilt.
Gee, look at the time. I'd be doing myself and my client a great disservice by doing ANY work for them at this time.
BUUAATT.... I probably COULD go do some 'research'. Yeah, that's it. Research. To a writer, reading things that other people write, is research.
Suddenly i'm not so tired. I've got WORK to do!
Monday, March 31, 2008
The musical side of Red
I am a music lover! I think it's very sad that there are those who actually don't have any kind of music collection in their home, no favorite artists or types of music, or even turn on their car radio. I've had so much fun loading my playlist in the last few days that it's pretty loaded. So- I thought I would take a break and maybe help you all sort out what's there... and why.
I'm the sort who listens to music for these reasons, in this order:
1: The sound/flow/beat/goosebump factor of it
2: How well I relate to the lyrics
3: My fickle mood
Ninety Nine percent of what's on my list is there for very personal reasons, the 'I can relate! ones. Usually because I do - however unfortunate that is, lol. But then there are those which I can only relate to on certain levels... because half way into it, a phrase is sung that just changes the entire meaning. Very annoying. But still either close enough, or just lovely sentiments. Then there are the 'Get up and wiggle it cuz you just don't give a damn' songs. I'm still not sure if the 'Making whoopie' songs are a category unto themselves or if they are part of the 'Wiggle it' one. They usually tend to be. And lastly there are those 'Angry Songs'. This category is hard to say when I like to listen to it, because I'm normally a positive person. But sometimes you can only remain positive by having an outlet. And this category fills that need very well. I'm still looking for so many that i'd like to have on it, but for now i'll give you a bit of a guide on some of the random stuff that IS there.
Ozzy Osbourne: So Tired: If you aren't a fan or have never heard of this one, you'd be very surprised to know it's a ballad, and you'd probably never guess it was him if you weren't told. Imagine a woman who is having an affair and the guy keeps telling her he will soon be all hers. Only this time it's the guy being put on hold and he's fed up and is giving up waiting. Very sad.
Amy Grant: Ask Me: This starts off with the singer talking about a young girl who is sexually abused and trying to do all that she can to erase it but all she can do is bathe him off her, put on perfume so she doesn't smell him, etc etc. The singer inquires 'ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven' because she sees no mercy comfort or salvation from this situation. Later the girl grows up and has gotten through it the best she can and life is pretty normal. The singer again says 'Ask me how I know, there's a God up in the heaven.' Here it becomes obvious that the singer is the little girl and it's because she lived through it that she DOES beleive she was being taken care of all along. I think that's an awesome example of faith and a positive outlook- it's the only way to not be a victim your entire life.
Meatloaf: Life Is A Lemon, And I Want My Money Back: Awesome 'Angry Song'. He goes down the list of things that are defective about or in life. It's almost too cynical even for 'ME'... but oh so fun to yell along with.
From 'What about love? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always breaking in half...what about sex? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's never built to really last.' to 'What about your childhood? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always getting burried in the past... What about your future? IT'S DEFECTIVE! You can shove it up your aaaaaaaaassssssssssssss. Lol. Gotta love it!
I'd love to know what you think about each one and if it's new to you or not. Just promise to TRY to judge based on lyric content more than first impression of the sound of it. There will be more to come in the days to follow!
I'm the sort who listens to music for these reasons, in this order:
1: The sound/flow/beat/goosebump factor of it
2: How well I relate to the lyrics
3: My fickle mood
Ninety Nine percent of what's on my list is there for very personal reasons, the 'I can relate! ones. Usually because I do - however unfortunate that is, lol. But then there are those which I can only relate to on certain levels... because half way into it, a phrase is sung that just changes the entire meaning. Very annoying. But still either close enough, or just lovely sentiments. Then there are the 'Get up and wiggle it cuz you just don't give a damn' songs. I'm still not sure if the 'Making whoopie' songs are a category unto themselves or if they are part of the 'Wiggle it' one. They usually tend to be. And lastly there are those 'Angry Songs'. This category is hard to say when I like to listen to it, because I'm normally a positive person. But sometimes you can only remain positive by having an outlet. And this category fills that need very well. I'm still looking for so many that i'd like to have on it, but for now i'll give you a bit of a guide on some of the random stuff that IS there.
Ozzy Osbourne: So Tired: If you aren't a fan or have never heard of this one, you'd be very surprised to know it's a ballad, and you'd probably never guess it was him if you weren't told. Imagine a woman who is having an affair and the guy keeps telling her he will soon be all hers. Only this time it's the guy being put on hold and he's fed up and is giving up waiting. Very sad.
Amy Grant: Ask Me: This starts off with the singer talking about a young girl who is sexually abused and trying to do all that she can to erase it but all she can do is bathe him off her, put on perfume so she doesn't smell him, etc etc. The singer inquires 'ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven' because she sees no mercy comfort or salvation from this situation. Later the girl grows up and has gotten through it the best she can and life is pretty normal. The singer again says 'Ask me how I know, there's a God up in the heaven.' Here it becomes obvious that the singer is the little girl and it's because she lived through it that she DOES beleive she was being taken care of all along. I think that's an awesome example of faith and a positive outlook- it's the only way to not be a victim your entire life.
Meatloaf: Life Is A Lemon, And I Want My Money Back: Awesome 'Angry Song'. He goes down the list of things that are defective about or in life. It's almost too cynical even for 'ME'... but oh so fun to yell along with.
From 'What about love? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always breaking in half...what about sex? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's never built to really last.' to 'What about your childhood? IT'S DEFECTIVE! It's always getting burried in the past... What about your future? IT'S DEFECTIVE! You can shove it up your aaaaaaaaassssssssssssss. Lol. Gotta love it!
I'd love to know what you think about each one and if it's new to you or not. Just promise to TRY to judge based on lyric content more than first impression of the sound of it. There will be more to come in the days to follow!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Just in case you were wondering... Deep Red pt2
Before too much time goes by and the 'Deep Red' post gets lost in translation- I won't leave you hanging. I don't really even want to go back there- now or ever again- and am contemplating deleting the whole thing. But then what is the point of this type of honesty, right? You don't tear pages out of a diary... so for now it remains. What I will tell you and what I want to state for the record, is that I have in fact made peace with that entire situation. And peace is the perfect word for it. From where I was- to where I am. This is peace baby! There is a line in one of my favorite songs (That's What Love Is For) that says 'It's living through the fire- and holding on we find- that's what love is for.' Nothing says it better than that. Call me a phoenix risen from the ashes if you will... but I am stronger than ever having decided to walk through that fire. And it's all because I am finding that unconditional love is there if you are willing to accept it. That's not easy to do- but if you are going to do it, do it all the way. Or else you are doing yourself a great disservice, not anyone else. And you've only yourself to blame in the end if you choose to not accept it. I realized... it is worth it. I'm still a leery sort... still a cynical, hard to earn my trust sort. But I'm willing to close my eyes at times and just lean into the winds of change and know that what ever happens, it was on the wings of love that I took that ride. - Peace- out-
Sunday, March 23, 2008
I've been sharing with you the story of how/why I married so young- and boy am I bored of it already! Or maybe it's just the 23 year long part of the story. Just ask my husband, he'd tell you that, "The last 23 years have seemed like FOREVER!' (and then he'd duck.)
Like the great Paul Harvey said...'Here is the rest of the story...'
Shortly after we met and began dating, he (my now husband, then boyfriend) left to join the military. Our first years consisted of letters & calls, with a few short visits scattered through out. Then his family moved across country and his visits could only be to there instead. So one Christmas his family paid for a plane ticket so I could join them there. He took me to the highest mountain point where we watched the sunset, & then got down on one knee and proposed.
Back at home word traveled fast in my itty bitty town and everyone wanted to see my ring as 'proof'. That summer I decided to move into my sisters apt in a larger town close by so that I could graduate early. I only needed two credits and my small school did not offer such a program. Then right before my Senior year started I was offered to come live in Missouri with an Aunt so that I could be closer to him in Ga. Yup- I gave up on the chance to graduate early for love. ( ...insert cheesy "awww"'s ...) By the time I got moved to the new state, school had already started and I was placed in useless classes just to fill my schedule & put where ever there was room. I had 2 Newspaper classes. Not two different ones- same class, twice a day. They put me in Marching Band. I hadn't played an instrument since 7th grade. They literally told me to 'Puff up my cheeks and fake it, because no one will know the difference.' Then there was Yearbook & Study Hall. I also had to take 9th Gr. Economics & P.E. as the credit criteria was different in the two states.
He drove 8 hrs each way to stay the weekend with me. (and yes, he remained a virgin the entire time.) I got a waitress job in a chowder house that, I kid you not, was just like in the Free Credit Report .Com commercials. I wasn't nearly as cute as that guy in my uniform, and I was horrible at waitressing. I began to hate everything my days involved. We both realized we were just wasting time in order to 'do the right thing.' We decided that as soon as I turned 17 we'd get married in a teeny private ceremony & get an apt. close to his base, and I'd start my Senior yr. over the next year. It helped that I normally would have graduated at 17 anyways so I felt I had a freebie year to play with.
So there I was again- the buzz of the lunch line as first one person noticed my ring and others gathered around to witness this anomaly. The most curious and outspoken ones were those who had just previously been discussing their swollen pregnant bellies, and who was on their first, second, or third. But 'I' was weird. I was apparently doing something 'strange' and unheard of. Yes, I wrote my own tardy notes. (Yes, they made me turn them in even though I was the guardian of myself.) And yes, I barely graduated because most of those tardys were counted as 'Absent' whether I was there the rest of the day or not, and I almost fell under the line of the minimum days of attendance. But it was not because of bad grades.
It's kind of funny now to look back at how even the teachers did not know how to treat me. I got singled out many times as thinking I was smarter, or above reproach, therefore making them either be a bit harder on me or try to avoid me entirely. One of my teachers was a MENSA member. (a national club for highly intellectual types with the highest IQ's) Seems she couldn't find much wrong with a report I turned in so she kept me from getting an A by docking me for using a word 'that wasn't my own'. It wasn't even a BIG word. It was the little, albeit not often used word, 'Aura'; which was not even used in the story I wrote the report on. I had to argue for the points back - but she would only 'meet me half way', because she 'still didn't believe that I came up with that on my own' and gave me back just enough pts. to not raise the grade. Oh well, it's all a funny story to me now and it's my comic relief any time I ponder the irony of so many of life's experiences.
Like the great Paul Harvey said...'Here is the rest of the story...'
Shortly after we met and began dating, he (my now husband, then boyfriend) left to join the military. Our first years consisted of letters & calls, with a few short visits scattered through out. Then his family moved across country and his visits could only be to there instead. So one Christmas his family paid for a plane ticket so I could join them there. He took me to the highest mountain point where we watched the sunset, & then got down on one knee and proposed.
Back at home word traveled fast in my itty bitty town and everyone wanted to see my ring as 'proof'. That summer I decided to move into my sisters apt in a larger town close by so that I could graduate early. I only needed two credits and my small school did not offer such a program. Then right before my Senior year started I was offered to come live in Missouri with an Aunt so that I could be closer to him in Ga. Yup- I gave up on the chance to graduate early for love. ( ...insert cheesy "awww"'s ...) By the time I got moved to the new state, school had already started and I was placed in useless classes just to fill my schedule & put where ever there was room. I had 2 Newspaper classes. Not two different ones- same class, twice a day. They put me in Marching Band. I hadn't played an instrument since 7th grade. They literally told me to 'Puff up my cheeks and fake it, because no one will know the difference.' Then there was Yearbook & Study Hall. I also had to take 9th Gr. Economics & P.E. as the credit criteria was different in the two states.
He drove 8 hrs each way to stay the weekend with me. (and yes, he remained a virgin the entire time.
So there I was again- the buzz of the lunch line as first one person noticed my ring and others gathered around to witness this anomaly. The most curious and outspoken ones were those who had just previously been discussing their swollen pregnant bellies, and who was on their first, second, or third. But 'I' was weird. I was apparently doing something 'strange' and unheard of. Yes, I wrote my own tardy notes. (Yes, they made me turn them in even though I was the guardian of myself.) And yes, I barely graduated because most of those tardys were counted as 'Absent' whether I was there the rest of the day or not, and I almost fell under the line of the minimum days of attendance. But it was not because of bad grades.
It's kind of funny now to look back at how even the teachers did not know how to treat me. I got singled out many times as thinking I was smarter, or above reproach, therefore making them either be a bit harder on me or try to avoid me entirely. One of my teachers was a MENSA member. (a national club for highly intellectual types with the highest IQ's) Seems she couldn't find much wrong with a report I turned in so she kept me from getting an A by docking me for using a word 'that wasn't my own'. It wasn't even a BIG word. It was the little, albeit not often used word, 'Aura'; which was not even used in the story I wrote the report on. I had to argue for the points back - but she would only 'meet me half way', because she 'still didn't believe that I came up with that on my own' and gave me back just enough pts. to not raise the grade. Oh well, it's all a funny story to me now and it's my comic relief any time I ponder the irony of so many of life's experiences.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Momentary Denial...
What mini-mental breakdown? I don't know what you're talking about. :-)
Did you notice the lovely picture of my favorite thinking spot? This is one of the last places in the world where I can go and at least FEEL like i'm alone. It's actually the backyard of my family home in a sleepy little mountain town. Being alone there though, is not always a good idea. Cougars have been seen rummaging through the fire pit along the bank. I'm sure it was just trying to satisfy it's sweet tooth when it sniffed out someone's lost S'more. I'm sure that's all... and the bears that raid parked RV's are just curious.
Yeah right.
No thank you. It's sad though really that it is so hard to get away and get out- and be alone. And be safe if you do find a lonely spot. I'm not as brave as I used to be when I was a kid. Those beautiful lonesome roads that wind through forgotten forests now make me quiver like a wet mouse. Between hungry wild animals driven out of their territories to paranoid wacko's growing their weed in the woods...aloneness in the deep forest canopy is a thing of my past. That's a hard reality to swallow for someone who's very intimate with all the cheesey cliche's of the beauty and wonder in nature. I DO marvel at the artisitc meanderings of the sun's rays as they shine in and out of out shadowy trees. I DO have wonderment for God's amazing patterns. And I DO need to be out there, alone with my thoughts, on a regular basis to cleanse the chaos of my over active mind. I simply can't think of anything as calming as the warm sun on your back as you realize that nothing is as bad as it seems as long as you are alive and able to experience that very moment.
Did you notice the lovely picture of my favorite thinking spot? This is one of the last places in the world where I can go and at least FEEL like i'm alone. It's actually the backyard of my family home in a sleepy little mountain town. Being alone there though, is not always a good idea. Cougars have been seen rummaging through the fire pit along the bank. I'm sure it was just trying to satisfy it's sweet tooth when it sniffed out someone's lost S'more. I'm sure that's all... and the bears that raid parked RV's are just curious.
Yeah right.
No thank you. It's sad though really that it is so hard to get away and get out- and be alone. And be safe if you do find a lonely spot. I'm not as brave as I used to be when I was a kid. Those beautiful lonesome roads that wind through forgotten forests now make me quiver like a wet mouse. Between hungry wild animals driven out of their territories to paranoid wacko's growing their weed in the woods...aloneness in the deep forest canopy is a thing of my past. That's a hard reality to swallow for someone who's very intimate with all the cheesey cliche's of the beauty and wonder in nature. I DO marvel at the artisitc meanderings of the sun's rays as they shine in and out of out shadowy trees. I DO have wonderment for God's amazing patterns. And I DO need to be out there, alone with my thoughts, on a regular basis to cleanse the chaos of my over active mind. I simply can't think of anything as calming as the warm sun on your back as you realize that nothing is as bad as it seems as long as you are alive and able to experience that very moment.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
RIP Deep Red pt1
Life is too short to live in the past. Sometimes memories are a part of that past and this is as they should be. People are too important to not put first. And this post is .. er was... not worth it. And that's my executive decision!
Friday, March 14, 2008
A poem from with in my red head...
Except When It Comes From You...
I march to the beat of my very own drum. I feel like this today- but tomorrow who knows what I will become. I'm a butterfly in my own right- but it's ok if I only appear to be a moth in flight.
I am what I am, people's opinions don't even make me blink- except when it comes from you and what you think.
I don't care if I go unnoticed or if I stick out in a crowd. I might fly under the wire, or live out loud. It really doesn't matter to me, whether or not they can figure me out. But I need you to know what I'm all about.
Why do I care if any one disapproves? Why should I worry about fitting into the grooves?
I am what I am. People's opinions don't even make me blink. Except when it comes to you and what you think.
I don't put much weight in all that other racket. I don't put my eggs all in one basket. I don't lean on tradition or always do what's customary. In fact you'll find, I do things to the contrary.
It really doesn't matter to me whether or not they can figure me out. But I need you to know what I'm all about.
Tell me, why do I care, so careful about what I share? I put my life on a shelf for display each and every day. But you got me walking a tightrope, so afraid of what you might say. I don't need for them to think I matter as much as I sometimes think I do. I don't need anyone's approval-
...except when it comes from you. Red 03-04-08
I march to the beat of my very own drum. I feel like this today- but tomorrow who knows what I will become. I'm a butterfly in my own right- but it's ok if I only appear to be a moth in flight.
I am what I am, people's opinions don't even make me blink- except when it comes from you and what you think.
I don't care if I go unnoticed or if I stick out in a crowd. I might fly under the wire, or live out loud. It really doesn't matter to me, whether or not they can figure me out. But I need you to know what I'm all about.
Why do I care if any one disapproves? Why should I worry about fitting into the grooves?
I am what I am. People's opinions don't even make me blink. Except when it comes to you and what you think.
I don't put much weight in all that other racket. I don't put my eggs all in one basket. I don't lean on tradition or always do what's customary. In fact you'll find, I do things to the contrary.
It really doesn't matter to me whether or not they can figure me out. But I need you to know what I'm all about.
Tell me, why do I care, so careful about what I share? I put my life on a shelf for display each and every day. But you got me walking a tightrope, so afraid of what you might say. I don't need for them to think I matter as much as I sometimes think I do. I don't need anyone's approval-
...except when it comes from you. Red 03-04-08
Thursday, March 13, 2008
An in depth introduction of me... pt 1
Ok, so I opened my big mouth and said I wanted to be a writer. It wasn't long before I was invited to put my keyboard where my mouth is, and here I am! So...
Now what?
The first step I suppose would be to introduce myself. Hi. My name is Red. (At least, that's what they call me. ) That was easy, but now I'm back where I started. I know i'm supposed to tell you a little about myself, and that's where the hard part comes in. What is really so interesting about little insignificant me?
Truth be told, I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. But do I really want to divulge everything from a twisted childhood wrought with physical and emotional abuse, to my current oh-so-sunny (and oh-so-ironic) out look on life? And if the answer is, 'YES! What the heck! Get it off your chest!', then where does one start?
I was born in Iowa one cold winter's eve... Nah. A cold winter night in Iowa... nothing new there. Let's fast forward to: I'm 35 and have been married for 18 years. (I'll pause while you do the math....) That's right, I was married at 17. It was in the great state of Missouri with a permission note from my mommy. But wait, I've lived in The Great Northwest since I was 6. How then, you ask, did I end up in Missouri married at 17? And to add even more fodder to this cauldron of curiousness while simultaneously clearing the air, NO I was NOT pregnant. I still needed to graduate high school after all.
Yes indeed... truth is stranger than fiction. Not always as interesting, but strange enough to make our personal truths so different from one another's, that the difference it's self is really what is so fascinating. At least that's my opinion. Stick around, you'll be treated to many more. (And I'll tell you all about what it was like being married in high school.)
Now what?
The first step I suppose would be to introduce myself. Hi. My name is Red. (At least, that's what they call me. ) That was easy, but now I'm back where I started. I know i'm supposed to tell you a little about myself, and that's where the hard part comes in. What is really so interesting about little insignificant me?
Truth be told, I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. But do I really want to divulge everything from a twisted childhood wrought with physical and emotional abuse, to my current oh-so-sunny (and oh-so-ironic) out look on life? And if the answer is, 'YES! What the heck! Get it off your chest!', then where does one start?
I was born in Iowa one cold winter's eve... Nah. A cold winter night in Iowa... nothing new there. Let's fast forward to: I'm 35 and have been married for 18 years. (I'll pause while you do the math....) That's right, I was married at 17. It was in the great state of Missouri with a permission note from my mommy. But wait, I've lived in The Great Northwest since I was 6. How then, you ask, did I end up in Missouri married at 17? And to add even more fodder to this cauldron of curiousness while simultaneously clearing the air, NO I was NOT pregnant. I still needed to graduate high school after all.
Yes indeed... truth is stranger than fiction. Not always as interesting, but strange enough to make our personal truths so different from one another's, that the difference it's self is really what is so fascinating. At least that's my opinion. Stick around, you'll be treated to many more. (And I'll tell you all about what it was like being married in high school.)
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