I've been going over this blog trying to revamp it and in the process came across the Fatherless Father's Day post. I skimmed it like all the other posts and moved on. Emotionless. No altered states. Meaningless.
Why all of the sudden, as I sit here slightly bored but with lots to do.... do I have the inkling to go take a look at my real father's face book page. It's been a while. There never was much to it, but I don't know- I guess I thought there might be something new and meaningless there for me to see.
So I go...type in his name that I used to share, and there it is. There he is. Looking back at me. Same pic as always. Not much new and very little activity on his wall. He's updated some of his personal info to show that he is self employed in the business of new aftermarket repair parts for vintage motorcycles.
Well, he's still doing that at least. Good for him. He stuck with something. I actually would really like to see it work out for him. Seems maybe it has. That's all good and well.
And then I find myself looking at his picture. Looking... staring. Trying to see... I don't know what. I just find myself looking at him for a really long time. Locking eyes as though he were that big scary dad and I the inadequate little kid that could never get anything right. Challenging his picture to make me feel any kind of emotion at all.
And it doesn't. Nothing.
And I don't know how I feel about that. Every cell in my body knows that's not NORMAL. What's missing in me... for the result of good or bad, that makes me lack some kind of reaction?
And what exactly was I looking for, anyway? I mean, why do I care if apparently I don't really care?
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What's in your head?